her

*a special post dedicated to my beloved late sister*

Where do I begin? There is so much things I want to write about her. She was a good daughter, a best sister I ever had, a really great friend and on top of that, a person with a big kind heart. No matter what I do I can't never beat her. She dedicated her life to make my parents happy and don't have to worry about money and can rest until they get old. Something that I can't do. She never thinks about to get married because all she ever thinks of is to earn more money for my parents. My lil sis told me that my mom told her, she still did locum even though at that time she's very tired fighting her disease. She never told us how tired and exhausted she was. All she ever did was smile although she was tired working and fighting her disease at the same time, When her friends got mad at her because she pushing herself too much, she only replied that she worried about our parents when she's no longer here anymore. Something that she shouldn't do because I can give money to our parents but I never know she did all this by herself since I was too busy with my little family.

As a sister, she always gave me birthday present since I was in high school. She was the only family member that gave gift to everyone even that person never gives her anything. I still remember received a teddy bear with a card for the first time from her. I really love that teddy and I wish I kept it until today. We were not really close. She never shared anything with me and I did the same. And I regret all that. I wish I was more close to her. I wish I could listen to her problems, to her pain, to her suffer. I wish I could tell her how much I love her every day and hug her every time we were saying goodbye. After she fall sick last December, I regretted that I didn't take a chance to hug her when she still can stands. I did wish to spend more time with her but all I did was back home after work and not visited her at my parents' house everyday. I regretted everything especially when I said I want to do everything with her but I never did and now I couldn't do all that any more. I still remember when my father didn't wanted me to continue my master degree. She was the one that encourage me, accompany me to register and paid my first semester tuition fees. When I was at Penang to register my Phd, I cried in my car because I don't have any money to pay the first semester tuition fees and she was the one that offered me a help. I wont be at this level if is not because of her. She was my eldest sister and the eldest of my family and the only one that support every family members even she has to go through all of pain. She the one that paid my brother lawyer so that he can get out of prison early, she the one that gave my brother money when no family members care, she the one that paid for travel expenses for the youngest and she the one that loves to give new clothes, baby stuff to my nieces and nephews when they were born.

When I saw her facebook page, a lot of friends will remember her and post all the good things she had done when she was still alive, She loves to help people, she loves to help her friends, and she loves to donate some of her money. She was not stingy, she was not selfish, she was not a person that kept thinking about herself. She kept thinking about others first that made lots of people love her and on top of that, no one can't replace her place. We had lost a good person, a good daughter and a good sister. Even so, we all know God loves her more. Rest in peace, sister.

)In loving memory, my sister, 25th February 2018)

if and only if

Hi blog! Can't believe it was 2 years since my last post. A lot of things had changes in 2 years. Im not a bitter woman writing on my blog about being alone anymore cause yeah, i got someone, my life companion...2 men in my life and of course one of them is still a cute little baby boy. Anyway, Im not here to write about them. 

If is the word that many of us hate to hear. If I can turn back time, If I can fly, If this, If that...

But what I really wish now if I have some times to be alone with my sister, to hug her and to tell her how much I love her. I'm pretty sure she can't read this any more. At this very moment I'm writing this on my blog, she is struggling at the end of her life. It's really hard to see her in pain. All the pain that I wish I can take it away but I can't. I can't even blame God for making her suffer. I know God has the best plan for her. I know she can't stay longer any more. I don't even want her to stay longer anymore as I don't want to see her in pain anymore. I hope she can go anytime now as it will make her less suffer. At the same time I wish I can hold her hand longer, stay just me with her and tell her stories about our trips about all the gifts she gave me when I was young until I get older. I know she will be in Heaven cause she is a good sister, good daughter, good friend that can't be replace. I will miss her laughter, all the times we spend together playing UNO, saidina, scrablle, monopoly and how she loves when she winning all the game, I'm going to miss all this. On top I'm going to miss her. Although all this times when she is still healthy I wish I could spend more time with her, company her watching our favorite movies, travel more with her, tell her how much I love her. Its all too late now. All I wish is for her to go peacefully and less pain. :(

being a grown up woman is sucks af

When I was a little girl, I always dressed up like a boy. I like being a boy because being a girl is not fun. I hate makeup, skirts, dress, handbag and heels. But everything has changed when you hit your 30s. Everything that I hate become I love and everything that I used to hate like how emotional a woman can be, ironically now I becoming more like them. I used to think I'm different from other women because I watch football and play video games. But now, all these things cannot capture my interest anymore. Its not like I love makeup too much and play makeup all the time (in fact I still don't wear them), but I becoming more emotional than before. If this is what becoming a woman early 30s syndrome, then I hate it from the bottom of my heart. When you're younger, you wonder why older women are so emotional, easily get jealous with other women and always in a mess. Now that you have reached that level, everything is making sense and you are actually not unique or different because you are just like other women. You get jealous when your colleague got flowers from her husband, you always moody, messy and angry, and you cried all the time. The worst part in losing yourself is probably you don't know what can make you happy anymore which is sucks af. Literally. I wish I'll never grow up. (Sigh). Now, where is the way to neverland?

This is love story, baby just say yes...

It's almost the end of this year. How times flies without we even realize it. If i want re-cap on whatever happened in this year, in a short, this year has been roller coaster for me. It's not the worst year in my life (2011 is still on top) but it's not very good either. It's good for my career where i graduated with my phd this year and got my dream job in a good campus, but love life kinda disaster. I have to learn in a hard way to finally found my so called the one. I have dated 3 wrong guys this year and with a huge mistake gave a second chance to someone that doesnt deserve it. If i want to turn this heart break story around, i'm glad that i've made all these mistakes if this is what it takes to finally found him. With him, everything seems so simple even i've to go through difficult time. Although at the first time it just a big crush and the feelings slowly fading away since i declared it as a fling, now the feelings started to grow even more. I never thought i'm able to find someone like him, which is so kind and knows how to treat me right. No one ever treat me the way he treated me. It feels so right. He came at the right time and at right place where i was so vulnerable and full of heart break. He saves me, he came to me when i was at my worst. For the first time finally someone is there for me when i cried and hold me tight and told me that he will always be here for me. How you couldnt fall in love with someone like that? Even it is hard for me to make him fall in love with me, i'll try as hard as i can until finally i could hear he says to me that he loves me too. Until that day is coming, i'll not stop hoping with the hope next year will be better than this year. Looking back at this year, i think i can say that it's not really that bad since in the end of this year i found a beautiful closure. It has been rough year but totally worth the pain. Now i cant wait to live another year to see if i finally get a chance to write my happy ending :)

the ultimate heart break

If you are one of how i met your mother fans, I think you can recall the episode in season 6 where Ted had his ultimate heart break when he knew that Robin and Barney are going to get married. Well, as much as I want to relate my life with Ted Mosby (as you can see from my whole post in this blog), I did been through this situation. It was last week when my only guy best friend that I have left which also happen to be my biggest crush announced that he will getting married at the end of this year. As a best friend, I should be happy for him, really. But the truth is I'm not and I'm pretty sure I will not attend his wedding. It was really an ultimate heart break for me. I have like and love this guy ever since 3 years ago (and we have been friend for 8 years). First, it hurts because he knew exactly what I feel for him. He also used to say that he likes me more than best friend before he put me in the friend-zone because he didn't want us to be more than that since he believes it will ruin our friendship (which I don't really get since this will destroy our friendship more than us be together and then break up). Third, he told me that he would not get married so soon or involve in any relationship because he wants to focus in his career. Fourth, he said he hope that his future wife will be look likes me (he never met her yet since his mother arrange the marriage for him). I mean WHY, really why someone wants to get married with someone else and hope she is me while he already know I should be her. Well, of course I'm not questioning him since he already rejected me few times and put me in the ultimate friend-zone every time we meet. It was sad. and hurts. and cruel. and mean. Its like the theory good woman for good man is true, And as a not so good woman, I am truly not deserve him. Or someone like him does not deserve me. Yes, I know. Life is unfair. Get over it. 

p/s: If someone told you that there is a way out from the friend zone, don't trust that person. I have tried and its not true.

Life as a lecturer (part II)

So, here are the fun parts being a lecturer:

1. Flexible working time (especially my head of department is so cool, we are allowed to come in and out anytime that we like as long as we met dateline and dont skip class. Mostly end up with empty department or awkward silent with me and my hod only while others are disappeared)

2. Free vacation when you need it. Well, we are allowed to go to conference (although its only limited to local) and all the expenses are paid (luxury hotel and flight). Also, we can extend our conference to vacation for few days.

3. Others like you met new people every semester (aka students). and sometimes can share your stories with them (ok, maybe it just me)

Not so fun parts being a lecturer:

1. Never ending work load (at least teacher get a school holiday break!) Most of people thought that lecturer's job is only to teach. Well guys, you're wrong! We have lots of works to do. If students are on the sem break, we need to do a research (as it's in our kpi). or if unlucky lecturer like me, you have to teach for short semester which means in a year I have only 2-3 weeks no classes between sem (por kid) :(

2. Tedious works. For example: booklet and samplings at the end of semester, claims, admin work, formatting, SOP, accreditation. blergh....

3. Handle with problematic students. Well, it's part of our job although this generation has lots of problematic teenagers (I blame this on technology!)

Life as a lecturer (part I)

Five years ago, I was a teacher who teach for high school students in a private school for 2 months. I never quit be a teacher as teaching is my passion although that 2 months made me wanted to quit teaching for kids forever. When I was quitting be a teacher and wanted to becomes a lecturer instead, I thought being a lecturer must be easy; teaching adults instead of kids, have a majority power compared to teacher, and students will always listen to you. But I was dead wrong. Teaching this generation is not easy. It just as same as being a teacher 5 years ago. It's a challenging job. I never thought that I will be in this situation again where I am wondering whether I am a good lecturer or not. 

I try to be a cool lecturer that hangout with students, talk about football, video games and movies, but then they try to take an advantage. They still late to class. They didn't do their tutorial. And they still didn't want to see me if they didn't understand what I thought in class. It made me wonder everyday, "What I have done wrong?", "Do they hate me?" and so on. I want to help them and be nice to them at the same time but those two things are the hardest things to do right now. What make someone is a good lecturer? What is the criteria? And how in the world someone can be so much patience and full with passion at the same time? I feel like I am in mission impossible right now. Or maybe I just have to be like Great Teacher Onizuka.