Begin again

After 2 weeks stay at home, finally I’m back to the place that I hate and full of emptiness. I don’t have any choice than stay here until I finish my study. Since I’ve done nothing about my research these 2 weeks, therefore I’ve to start over again. Not only about my research, my life in here too. It’s like I’m back to my old life where no one taking care of me in here but me. It has been 10 months since I move here and still I don’t have any friends. Maybe I’m too scared of being hurt again, maybe I’m the one that keeps pushing people away from my life or maybe someone that suddenly walks into my life and said that he going to look after me just like other people that I know. Well, after all I’m the one that chooses this road. I’m okay this way since I’ve always been alone. In fact, we’re going to be all alone when we die. So, I’m just starting early. Like Paramore lyrics in their new album:

“Ain’t it fun living in the real world, ain’t it good being all alone”

“Because someday you’re gonna be, The only one you’ve got. Anklebiters! Anklebiters! Someday you’re gonna be alone!”

superwoman

Last five days, I had been a temporary full time housewife. I never imagine being a full time housewife since I am an ambitious woman. Well, it is not that hard especially if you start to adapt to this life. I think being a career and housewife more challenging and that's something that I will be someday. Even it is not that harder than I thought, but I was glad that I got a chance to be in my mom's shoes. Now I knew how it feels when I have to wake up early morning, prepare every meal for family, brainstorming menu to cook everyday, clean the house and take care of everybody in the house. It's really tiring sometimes but I feel happy when everyone enjoying and appreciate the meals that I had prepared. Still, doing the same things and having same routine everyday make me bored even it's only for five days. My mom does these things every day without complaining about anything. Seriously, how on the earth she does that? Anyway, she's a mother after all. Of course she can. These five days, I thought I had been a superwoman since I had done everything including study at night, but the truth is the real superwoman is a woman that raise me to become a superwoman. And she is a person that I love the most in this world. Happy mother's day. :)

Nota kaki:

For this special day, don't forget to thank your mother no matter how bad she is and whatever she had done to you, she's still the person that brought you into this world. Cheers!

.the sign.

Warning:

This entry content spoiler alert for himym this week episode. If you still don't watch it, please don't read. (But seriously, it's already past 4 days. Go watch it now, slowpoke!)

While I was driving in the middle of night after met my friend, I can't help but wonder about the universe sign. Some people look for the sign because they're not sure if it is a fate. Unfortunately, fate has sense of humor and no matter how hard you try to avoid it, sometimes you just can't. In himym episode this week, Robin tried to find a sign that could help her made a decision whether marrying Barney is the right thing to do. She spent few hours just to find her locket that she buried when she was teenager at the Central Park, NY. With a motivational support from Ted, she finally found the box without the locket in it and made she realized that she should not get married with Barney after all. But then, of course Ted helped her by giving inspirational speech as below:

"Maybe it is dumb to look at the sign from universe. Maybe universe had better things to do.

.

.

.

We don't need universe to tell us what we really want. Maybe we already know that. Deep down"

Well, Ted was right. Sometimes he is. I don't need a universe sign to tell me that I should focus with my study now. I should do that all the time because it is my responsibility as a student. I don't need a universe sign to tell me that a guy maybe my the one because I should know if he is. Like I always do. I have wrote an entry before this about running away not solving anything. Ironically, I'm the one that running away from my problems and my own feelings. I'm done with sign and running. From now on, I will try to let universe do its job and I just need to go on with my life without worrying about anything. At least I hope so.

that's what (s)he said...

I overheard a conversation between my two nieces today. One of them said something funny like "mana boleh cakap aku.nurul cakap berdosa tau" and I just laughed. To be fair, I have been just like my niece when I was her age. In fact, we all have. So naive and just believe everything that people told us. But when we grow up and become a mature young adult, we're not suppose to be like standard 2 students. Because we can search for the truth, fact and everything that we need in order to know if something that people told us is a lie or not. And most importantly, we can think perfectly since there are so many things we have learned. Still, there are some people that's for me are mature enough to think but they're nothing like standard 2 students, just believe everything that they read on the fb news feed or twitter timeline (something that people said that's not considered as a fact). I found a tweet that stated "Since we can't trust the national media anymore, therefore the only resource we have are from what people said". I couldn't agree with that logic even the part about not trusting the national media is true. Most of our media are bias but that does not mean that we should depend on one source only especially with technology on a tip of our fingers. Also, if I'm not mistaken, source from people is considered as a secondary source and sometimes it could not be taken as a source since people tend to add more stories in their own way.

So, in order to find the truth, why not you dig a deep hole before jump into a conclusion and by dig a deep hole I mean is by do some research through outside media or books and read more from both side instead of believe in a person or some people in a same side that have same story. Besides that, you might also want to use your brain to think and stimulate all the information so that it can be something brilliant and not something that as dumb as a hell. And these are all what I said.

tough life

This life has never been an easy way. Everyone has to struggle to survive and to be success in life. I have been struggling since I was a little kid. Most of my childhood time was a nightmare. I don't even remember most of them but it does make what I am now, a strong woman. It also makes me realize why I'm so deadly unemotional. But the sad part is watching someone becoming you and nothing you can do to stop that from happening. When my mom left me with my nephew and nieces, I realize something that we share in common. 

The story is a little bit different and it's not the same case but still these kids have a tough life and will be struggling like me till they grow up. They've been abandoned by their birth mother and their father just out from prison last year. And after few months enjoying his freedom, their father has spent more time playing video games than spending some times with his kids. They're lucky that they still got us: my mom, dad and my siblings. But the way my siblings treat them are just as same as we treat each other. No wonder they had been in silence every time I gave a ride to them to school. When I looked into my niece's eyes, I saw myself when I was her age. And it was a helpless feeling. I just hope that they will become stronger than me and not doing something stupid because they feel alone such as overdose pills like I used to do. 

"Life is rough so you gotta be tough" - Johnny Cash.

type R

On a scale of 0 to papa-g, how racist are you? If your answer is 0, then either you’re a good liar or you’re really a rare type of person. Most of the people have the R factor in themselves even if it is not to any races that available in the place/country, even they’re not showing them in their words or action, but it is there. After the election, a lot of racism posts come out in the social media. Everyone keeps talking about it like it is a new disease; indeed it has been existed a long time ago. For a country that has multiple races, we should avoid this discussion. It does not matter who starts it first. Especially we have a history about the tragedy involving fighting between two races. History has been told so that we learn from it and avoid the same thing from happened again. But it seems like some people are too paranoid and being dumb at the same time. They’re afraid that history will repeat itself, but then they’re the one that brings this sensitive issue come out. I wonder sometimes, maybe we have lived in peace for too long that make some people like to see and feel how is it like living in the chaos country...

free to fall?

According to Newton’s Law, force is equal to mass times gravity where we take as consideration that the free fall is due to gravity. Gravity makes everything on this earth fall. So do love. It is not any law in physic or science but it is a life theory. Human can fall in love and this fall apparently is not free. Feelings are free, but in the love case there is a price to pay. If you’re ready to fall in love, make sure you’re ready to get hurt too. For me, falling in love is the last thing I should do and it’s not even on my list. I can’t afford to fall in love because I don’t have time to be wasted anymore since I have to spend more time to be constantly in love with my study. And I've to admit that I’m scared to feel the pain again. We can’t choose the person that we want to fall in love with or avoid that feeling all the time. But we can choose whether to let the love that comes once in a while to just pass by or take a chance and pay whatever price it takes.