Life as a lecturer (part I)

Five years ago, I was a teacher who teach for high school students in a private school for 2 months. I never quit be a teacher as teaching is my passion although that 2 months made me wanted to quit teaching for kids forever. When I was quitting be a teacher and wanted to becomes a lecturer instead, I thought being a lecturer must be easy; teaching adults instead of kids, have a majority power compared to teacher, and students will always listen to you. But I was dead wrong. Teaching this generation is not easy. It just as same as being a teacher 5 years ago. It's a challenging job. I never thought that I will be in this situation again where I am wondering whether I am a good lecturer or not. 

I try to be a cool lecturer that hangout with students, talk about football, video games and movies, but then they try to take an advantage. They still late to class. They didn't do their tutorial. And they still didn't want to see me if they didn't understand what I thought in class. It made me wonder everyday, "What I have done wrong?", "Do they hate me?" and so on. I want to help them and be nice to them at the same time but those two things are the hardest things to do right now. What make someone is a good lecturer? What is the criteria? And how in the world someone can be so much patience and full with passion at the same time? I feel like I am in mission impossible right now. Or maybe I just have to be like Great Teacher Onizuka.   

50 shades of broken heart

It's been awhile I didn't write any post on my blog and suddenly out of blue, I wrote my first post this year about broken heart and on the Valentine's day. Sorry guys, but I just got dumped on the love day. Ouch! Who does that? Yup, he was an asshole. Probably it's my fault either for being so curious about the answer why he put me on silence for a week. So now I back to my old self again, listening to non-stop broken heart songs in my car and on my playlist at spotify. Although at this age, I'm supposed to be happily married and planning my wedding, not handling with this shit.

You know that feelings when you finally thought you met the one and you can imagine your life with him but for no reason he said this is not what he wanted, then he left you cold and out of breathe? I feel it now. I just don't get it. Guys want girl that play video games, know how to cook and bake, have a good sense of humor, hardworking, smart, not materialistic, simple, kind, understanding, sweet and independent. Although I've everything in that list, I still got dumped just because I'm not pretty. Yes, people can be mean sometimes and truth hurts. 

The bad things about break up are you probably end up writing a stupid post like this or tweet everything that you supposed not to tweet but you did it anyway because you angry, disappointed and sad and its like no one in this world can understand those pains. Then, you have to take a long time to recover and trust people back because you're scared that the next person might be lie to you again or you will end up disappointed just like you did before. The only good thing about break up probably if you're a song writer, then you can write some songs about it which will made top 100 on Billboard chart and made lots of money out of it (yes i was talking about Taylor Swift)

When someone left you or you left someone, suddenly everything that you've said and done while you with that person appeared and it made you think that all the words he said, they're just words. He probably never meant it. That he said his love for you can't be measure mathematically, all that was lie. There were just words with no meaning. So it's true. It's easy to say I love you but it's hard to find out if that person really mean it that's why those 3 words are so cheap right now. People even use it just to get laid. I guess I just know what reality world looks like once again.      

Credit cards: happiness from hell.

There is a book written by Sophie Kinsella entitled ‘Confessions of a Shopaholic’.  If you don’t like to read especially chick flick novel like me, you can always watch the movie that made from the best-seller novel. The novel or movie shows a good example on consequence if someone has too many credit cards and hunted by the credit card debt because he/she can’t afford to pay them. The story might be fictional but what happened in that story is a reality. It can happen to anyone that can’t resist in spending money on unnecessary things or tempted by sales which frequently held in almost every department store in our country.  I even have seen such thing happened in my family. My sister who used to refuse to apply for any credit card is now have to face with RM12000 card credit debt. Meanwhile, my father has to answer a phone call from credit card debt collector everyday from two credit cards that he applied 10 years ago and overspent by my mother who can’t control her spending during that time. If I have a time machine, I probably will go 10 years back and advised my parents not to apply for any credit cards since I knew they can’t afford to pay it back unlike my sister. Now, they have to pay the debt that probably takes their lifetime to settle. 

From these 2 lessons that I learn from my family, obviously I would say that credit card is an evil. But do we really need it? Most of department stores, restaurants and services take debit card now. Debit card is always better than credit card because you use your own money instead of borrowing from others (banks) and you have to pay the money with certain interest rates. Of course it is better than personal loan. But that is not the issue here. The issue is what if you don’t have any money in your account and your debit card is not useful anymore. That is when people see the advantage of credit card although there is a bad consequence follows. Credit card is like a magic that offered by some wizards which can bring you happiness but happiness comes with price to pay. Say no to happiness is probably hard but it is better than suffer forever. People who can’t afford to pay credit card should not applied it in any condition and always remember if you have something that you want to buy and the number in your account is not enough, that thing can wait until the end of the month. Even credit card just takes 5 minutes minimum to apply plus it can be done online and you think you can resist yourself from spending, my advice is still don’t because once you have it, your ability to control yourself will be fade just like your money that you think you will have in the future.   

the broken home

i dreamed a dream
where i'm home, everybody is happy
my mom gives me a hug
and she never tries to pick a fight with dad
we have dinner together everyday
wait for each other back from work and school patiently
laugh and share stories
there is a smile in everyone's face
and its not fake
no hate, no lies
only true love from the bonding of our blood

but it only a dream
when i wake up i see
my dad always yell to mom like usually
we never share stories
and we just people that happen to be related by blood
it never get better
since i was a kid until i getting older
same shit, different house
it always be a broken home where i felt like i'm not belong here
it is a home, it is a shelter
but it is not a place where we love each other
it feels with hate that never fade
through days and nights, year by year
we all still the same
happy ending is just a fairy tale....

how i respond to the finale episode of himym

Finally, one of my favorite series ended today. Lots of hatred on the finale of himym. I managed to read some of the tweets (even I did promise not to online Twitter for awhile) and I found one of the links that someone made as a tumblr post (and it was someone's fb status. what...)

There is a part that I agree with this guy and the rest of the parts, I don't. But before that, I love the ending. I reallly do. Most of tweets that I read said that it should be happy ending which means Barney and Robin, Ted and Tracy (finally the mother has a name!) and Marshall and Lily. Well, we can leave Marshall and Lily part because they're happy till the end of story. But kids, this is the truth about life. We can't always get happy ending and the writers of this series got that. And you guys should wake up from the fantasy and be realistic too. I had predicted a long time ago that the mother would die. This is the part that I agree with the guy that wrote fb status above. I was expected more sad part in the finale. I already prepared with a box of tissue, goddamnit. I thought that they will put more scene on Ted saying goodbye to his wife. But there was only like 2 minutes (or less) of that scene (which is not sad at all because it only shown Ted read a book to his wife). Well, that part was quite disappointing but the rest of it was great. I didn't expect Barney and Robin will get divorced. That's life anyway even in reality. Full with surprises. 

Another part that I disagree with that guy fb status is when he/she said that Barney character is sad and miserable. No, sir! You're totally wrong! Barney had finally met his true love in his life which is his daughter (Quick recap: He did try to find his true love from woman like Nora, Robin, Quin and he can't find it.He even had his heart broken before he became man in suit). FYI, not all people got true love in form of a woman/man/wife/husband. Some of us got it in form of kids/career/or others. Geez people, again be realistic! And seriously people that get mad with the writers for made the mother died. Here a news for you guys, people die everyday. Get over it! And Ted is not being an asshole to get back with Robin. He waited for 6 years after his wife died. That's showed how much Ted really love her. This is my opinion anyway. I don't care if you people hate it. I still proudly say that I love this series damn much. And for those that not get the message in this series, go learn literature!

reason to stay alive

Last week, I had a visit to one of the old age and elderly care homes. It was something that I really wanted to do a long time ago. I was grateful to get such an opportunity. Lots of things I have learnt during my visit besides how we should appreciate and love our parents in the present and future. It was really a heartbreaking to hear some sad stories from some of them and reminded me that I’m not the only one with a sad story that people do not know. Still, we survive all the pains and obstacles in this life without giving up so easily because we do believe that there is something that drives us to stay alive. Some people do not know that their existing can change someone or other’s life. This life is not all about finding the right one, build family and watch your daughter/son grow up and hold your grandchildren. Yet, most of people that I met think that’s the only reason they’re alive. Sorry, but in my opinion it's really selfish if you think your life is all about you and yourself. For me, to stay alive is mean that my presence is useful for human being. It’s totally something worth it to stay alive even your have a very painful life. I maybe do not have superpower or a great skill of fighting to battle with bad people but I try my best everyday to help others even with a small thing. Doing right things is not easy. That’s why we need to keep trying and remind ourselves everyday. Sometimes I need others to remind me too like why I wanted to be a lecturer, why I write all positive things on my blog even I’m not sure if people read it or not, why I should finish my thesis on time or why I need to stop being lazy.  

Nota kaki:

Today is the earth hour day. Same as last year, even it’s a small thing but you really can help by switch off the light for an hour. (Sorry I can’t switch off my fans because it’s too hot in here)

The ugly truth

I don’t get it… Why do people have to lie to each other just to make sure that they will not offend their love one, family or friends? Why they don’t just tell the truth like the words you said are hurting me, something is not right or you don’t treat me properly. Is it hard to do? Or is it because when we tell lie instead of telling the truth, then it will ruins everything… friendship and relationship? Why people have to make it complicated while it’s as simple as just telling the truth? We all know the answer. Because we prefer to hear something nice even it was lie than something truth because it’s hurt. Today, I don’t know for how many billion times I got this same shit that my words offended people because apparently I’m sucks at telling lie to comfort them, to mind others’ heart. I asked one of my friends directly, am I bad as a person and friend? Before she answered my question, she asked me if I wanted her to lie to me. And I said…tell me the truth. She did tell me the truth that I was stupid for not knowing how to mind other's heart. Of course it was hurt. But I can accept it. At least everything makes sense to me. People actually do judge others by the words they tell not by what they have done to you. That’s unacceptable. I am that kind of friends that bad with words but I know if my friends need me whenever they want, I will make sure that I will be the first one for them. I am willing to die for someone that I love but apparently no one can see that. What I am willing to do for her/him because they’re too busy judging me by every stupid word that I am saying. Well, if that’s so, then yes I am stupid. Stupid enough to sacrifice anything for others but then people always left me because of my words. That’s hurt actually. It hurts so much even all the words I wrote here can’t describe it. I was hated because I am being honest. What kind of world I live in? I thought friendship is like what I have been watching in how I met your mother series where they offended each other but always be there for each other. But it’s not.

Sadly, I grew up watching my parents and my siblings offended each other. I never learnt how to comfort other’s heart with words. But of course people don’t understand me. I don’t mind. I tried so hard not to be like my mom that never said anything nice to my dad. If you think this shit is easier for me, I bet… you don’t. So what if people want to leave me because everything that I said? That’s mean they don’t understand me. They never, no matter how close they think they’re to me. It’s their lost after all because it’s too bad they can’t see what I have done and willing to do for them. Well, if I have to live this world by my own which is alone… Then I guess that’s the only way I have to do this. No matter what I do, whatever my job will be in the future and no matter where I go travel, it does not matter. I will always be alone anyway. At least I know the truth and willing to accept it even it hurts like hell.