being a grown up woman is sucks af

When I was a little girl, I always dressed up like a boy. I like being a boy because being a girl is not fun. I hate makeup, skirts, dress, handbag and heels. But everything has changed when you hit your 30s. Everything that I hate become I love and everything that I used to hate like how emotional a woman can be, ironically now I becoming more like them. I used to think I'm different from other women because I watch football and play video games. But now, all these things cannot capture my interest anymore. Its not like I love makeup too much and play makeup all the time (in fact I still don't wear them), but I becoming more emotional than before. If this is what becoming a woman early 30s syndrome, then I hate it from the bottom of my heart. When you're younger, you wonder why older women are so emotional, easily get jealous with other women and always in a mess. Now that you have reached that level, everything is making sense and you are actually not unique or different because you are just like other women. You get jealous when your colleague got flowers from her husband, you always moody, messy and angry, and you cried all the time. The worst part in losing yourself is probably you don't know what can make you happy anymore which is sucks af. Literally. I wish I'll never grow up. (Sigh). Now, where is the way to neverland?

This is love story, baby just say yes...

It's almost the end of this year. How times flies without we even realize it. If i want re-cap on whatever happened in this year, in a short, this year has been roller coaster for me. It's not the worst year in my life (2011 is still on top) but it's not very good either. It's good for my career where i graduated with my phd this year and got my dream job in a good campus, but love life kinda disaster. I have to learn in a hard way to finally found my so called the one. I have dated 3 wrong guys this year and with a huge mistake gave a second chance to someone that doesnt deserve it. If i want to turn this heart break story around, i'm glad that i've made all these mistakes if this is what it takes to finally found him. With him, everything seems so simple even i've to go through difficult time. Although at the first time it just a big crush and the feelings slowly fading away since i declared it as a fling, now the feelings started to grow even more. I never thought i'm able to find someone like him, which is so kind and knows how to treat me right. No one ever treat me the way he treated me. It feels so right. He came at the right time and at right place where i was so vulnerable and full of heart break. He saves me, he came to me when i was at my worst. For the first time finally someone is there for me when i cried and hold me tight and told me that he will always be here for me. How you couldnt fall in love with someone like that? Even it is hard for me to make him fall in love with me, i'll try as hard as i can until finally i could hear he says to me that he loves me too. Until that day is coming, i'll not stop hoping with the hope next year will be better than this year. Looking back at this year, i think i can say that it's not really that bad since in the end of this year i found a beautiful closure. It has been rough year but totally worth the pain. Now i cant wait to live another year to see if i finally get a chance to write my happy ending :)

the ultimate heart break

If you are one of how i met your mother fans, I think you can recall the episode in season 6 where Ted had his ultimate heart break when he knew that Robin and Barney are going to get married. Well, as much as I want to relate my life with Ted Mosby (as you can see from my whole post in this blog), I did been through this situation. It was last week when my only guy best friend that I have left which also happen to be my biggest crush announced that he will getting married at the end of this year. As a best friend, I should be happy for him, really. But the truth is I'm not and I'm pretty sure I will not attend his wedding. It was really an ultimate heart break for me. I have like and love this guy ever since 3 years ago (and we have been friend for 8 years). First, it hurts because he knew exactly what I feel for him. He also used to say that he likes me more than best friend before he put me in the friend-zone because he didn't want us to be more than that since he believes it will ruin our friendship (which I don't really get since this will destroy our friendship more than us be together and then break up). Third, he told me that he would not get married so soon or involve in any relationship because he wants to focus in his career. Fourth, he said he hope that his future wife will be look likes me (he never met her yet since his mother arrange the marriage for him). I mean WHY, really why someone wants to get married with someone else and hope she is me while he already know I should be her. Well, of course I'm not questioning him since he already rejected me few times and put me in the ultimate friend-zone every time we meet. It was sad. and hurts. and cruel. and mean. Its like the theory good woman for good man is true, And as a not so good woman, I am truly not deserve him. Or someone like him does not deserve me. Yes, I know. Life is unfair. Get over it. 

p/s: If someone told you that there is a way out from the friend zone, don't trust that person. I have tried and its not true.

Life as a lecturer (part II)

So, here are the fun parts being a lecturer:

1. Flexible working time (especially my head of department is so cool, we are allowed to come in and out anytime that we like as long as we met dateline and dont skip class. Mostly end up with empty department or awkward silent with me and my hod only while others are disappeared)

2. Free vacation when you need it. Well, we are allowed to go to conference (although its only limited to local) and all the expenses are paid (luxury hotel and flight). Also, we can extend our conference to vacation for few days.

3. Others like you met new people every semester (aka students). and sometimes can share your stories with them (ok, maybe it just me)

Not so fun parts being a lecturer:

1. Never ending work load (at least teacher get a school holiday break!) Most of people thought that lecturer's job is only to teach. Well guys, you're wrong! We have lots of works to do. If students are on the sem break, we need to do a research (as it's in our kpi). or if unlucky lecturer like me, you have to teach for short semester which means in a year I have only 2-3 weeks no classes between sem (por kid) :(

2. Tedious works. For example: booklet and samplings at the end of semester, claims, admin work, formatting, SOP, accreditation. blergh....

3. Handle with problematic students. Well, it's part of our job although this generation has lots of problematic teenagers (I blame this on technology!)

Life as a lecturer (part I)

Five years ago, I was a teacher who teach for high school students in a private school for 2 months. I never quit be a teacher as teaching is my passion although that 2 months made me wanted to quit teaching for kids forever. When I was quitting be a teacher and wanted to becomes a lecturer instead, I thought being a lecturer must be easy; teaching adults instead of kids, have a majority power compared to teacher, and students will always listen to you. But I was dead wrong. Teaching this generation is not easy. It just as same as being a teacher 5 years ago. It's a challenging job. I never thought that I will be in this situation again where I am wondering whether I am a good lecturer or not. 

I try to be a cool lecturer that hangout with students, talk about football, video games and movies, but then they try to take an advantage. They still late to class. They didn't do their tutorial. And they still didn't want to see me if they didn't understand what I thought in class. It made me wonder everyday, "What I have done wrong?", "Do they hate me?" and so on. I want to help them and be nice to them at the same time but those two things are the hardest things to do right now. What make someone is a good lecturer? What is the criteria? And how in the world someone can be so much patience and full with passion at the same time? I feel like I am in mission impossible right now. Or maybe I just have to be like Great Teacher Onizuka.   

50 shades of broken heart

It's been awhile I didn't write any post on my blog and suddenly out of blue, I wrote my first post this year about broken heart and on the Valentine's day. Sorry guys, but I just got dumped on the love day. Ouch! Who does that? Yup, he was an asshole. Probably it's my fault either for being so curious about the answer why he put me on silence for a week. So now I back to my old self again, listening to non-stop broken heart songs in my car and on my playlist at spotify. Although at this age, I'm supposed to be happily married and planning my wedding, not handling with this shit.

You know that feelings when you finally thought you met the one and you can imagine your life with him but for no reason he said this is not what he wanted, then he left you cold and out of breathe? I feel it now. I just don't get it. Guys want girl that play video games, know how to cook and bake, have a good sense of humor, hardworking, smart, not materialistic, simple, kind, understanding, sweet and independent. Although I've everything in that list, I still got dumped just because I'm not pretty. Yes, people can be mean sometimes and truth hurts. 

The bad things about break up are you probably end up writing a stupid post like this or tweet everything that you supposed not to tweet but you did it anyway because you angry, disappointed and sad and its like no one in this world can understand those pains. Then, you have to take a long time to recover and trust people back because you're scared that the next person might be lie to you again or you will end up disappointed just like you did before. The only good thing about break up probably if you're a song writer, then you can write some songs about it which will made top 100 on Billboard chart and made lots of money out of it (yes i was talking about Taylor Swift)

When someone left you or you left someone, suddenly everything that you've said and done while you with that person appeared and it made you think that all the words he said, they're just words. He probably never meant it. That he said his love for you can't be measure mathematically, all that was lie. There were just words with no meaning. So it's true. It's easy to say I love you but it's hard to find out if that person really mean it that's why those 3 words are so cheap right now. People even use it just to get laid. I guess I just know what reality world looks like once again.      

Credit cards: happiness from hell.

There is a book written by Sophie Kinsella entitled ‘Confessions of a Shopaholic’.  If you don’t like to read especially chick flick novel like me, you can always watch the movie that made from the best-seller novel. The novel or movie shows a good example on consequence if someone has too many credit cards and hunted by the credit card debt because he/she can’t afford to pay them. The story might be fictional but what happened in that story is a reality. It can happen to anyone that can’t resist in spending money on unnecessary things or tempted by sales which frequently held in almost every department store in our country.  I even have seen such thing happened in my family. My sister who used to refuse to apply for any credit card is now have to face with RM12000 card credit debt. Meanwhile, my father has to answer a phone call from credit card debt collector everyday from two credit cards that he applied 10 years ago and overspent by my mother who can’t control her spending during that time. If I have a time machine, I probably will go 10 years back and advised my parents not to apply for any credit cards since I knew they can’t afford to pay it back unlike my sister. Now, they have to pay the debt that probably takes their lifetime to settle. 

From these 2 lessons that I learn from my family, obviously I would say that credit card is an evil. But do we really need it? Most of department stores, restaurants and services take debit card now. Debit card is always better than credit card because you use your own money instead of borrowing from others (banks) and you have to pay the money with certain interest rates. Of course it is better than personal loan. But that is not the issue here. The issue is what if you don’t have any money in your account and your debit card is not useful anymore. That is when people see the advantage of credit card although there is a bad consequence follows. Credit card is like a magic that offered by some wizards which can bring you happiness but happiness comes with price to pay. Say no to happiness is probably hard but it is better than suffer forever. People who can’t afford to pay credit card should not applied it in any condition and always remember if you have something that you want to buy and the number in your account is not enough, that thing can wait until the end of the month. Even credit card just takes 5 minutes minimum to apply plus it can be done online and you think you can resist yourself from spending, my advice is still don’t because once you have it, your ability to control yourself will be fade just like your money that you think you will have in the future.