hush hush

She looks into me and said “I can never be as strong as you. How you do that?”

I just smile even I was dying to cry in her arms. “I don’t even know how I do that. Well, we will meet again at your engagement, right?”

“Yup. Hope so. Take care, okay.”

“You too!”

That was the last conversation that I had and it was last week. Believe it or not, I haven’t spoke to any human being until today except when I ordered my coffee at starbucks yesterday and a small talk with uncle that delivered cooking gas to my rent house this morning. It was nothing, really. Except I had been a little bit crazy yesterday. I miss talking to someone. When the first time I move into this house, I knew that there will be less conversation between me and my housemates since it was stated in terms and condition (Yes, they do have it). But I took this place anyway since I was so in love with it. Oh well… I can’t complaint much, can I? I have everything that I want in my life except a person to talk to. It’s true that you can find happiness by doing something that you love. Lately this, I tried to paint and it did make me happy but eventually after I’m done with it, I still felt empty. I looked up into my little sis bio on twitter and she wrote that her life is empty too. Even she that lives around the family feels empty! I can’t blame her. We live in the emotionally unavailable family after all. Seriously, I never met any siblings that called each other shit on each other’s face and talked about each other behind each other’s back and never shared any problems with each other. Like ever! Sometimes I do wish and my wish is not something related with finally find my other half but it is enough for me, to finally share everything that I want with my siblings, even only one out of six. I had tried with my little sis once and twice but apparently, it did not work the way that I wanted. It was so sad when you can’t count to anyone in this world even your blood related. What left then? Only you and yourself? Being alone is okay sometimes but for the long terms, it’s getting harder and too much pain in your chest. I even have to do my research on my own. It’s nothing related but it’s literally killing me when my friends said that I’m working so well and going to finish my study soon while I’m here still have no idea what am I doing. I was so lost even in my very final year. Goth, somebody help me please…