It's either yes or no, no maybe.

Usually in life we only have two choices. Simple case: to live or to die. As simple as that. Life is so beautiful yet it’s painful sometimes. But is it worth? I will go with yes. What is like to be dead? You feel nothing and have to lay down under 7ft from the ground waiting for the day where you’ll awake again just to be judged. Yeah, it sucks. I know. But death is not a choice as we can’t stay alive forever even most of us want to. Speaking of choices, we all have this one day in life where we stuck with some choices. Bad thing about choices is when you have it, you have to make a decision which is clearly something that I’m not good at. Once decision have made, you have to go with it and regret it later if it’s a wrong decision or in this case, wrong choice. I've made some wrong choices in my life like further study instead of choose to start my own business. But of course some choices can be taken for the second time. It’s not always the road not taken. I can always start my own business after I finish my study. The only thing that I've wasting here is my time and time is a bitch. 

However, there is a thing in life where we don't have any choice at all like rules. No one like to follow a rule (or read them) but it's not a choice. We have to follow it even we hate it. I know, right. There is a story that happened to me last two weeks where I met new friend from Aussie and she's christian. She asked me directly why I'm not covering my hair while there is a rule in my religion said that women have to cover parts of their body from seeing by non-mahram. Well, I'm not ashamed to say to her that I'm a rebel. I know it's a sin yet I rather be like this than be like others that cover their hair but wear skinny jeans which is for me is so wrong in so many level. Wth, it's my choice after all...  

time of my life

So today I turn three cubed. Well, you do the math. It just another normal day for me but really Google please stop wishing me every time I open your home page. I hate birthday. Maybe because its a day that reminds me I'm getting old and it also a day that reminds me how alone I am even though I am at home this year and surrounded by my family members. I don't care if people don't celebrate or even wish. That's why I change my birthday on Facebook anyway. Although sometimes I do envy every time I saw some friends got their surprise party. I wish I have it once in my life but of course my best friends are busy with their life even I did have plan a surprise birthday party for one of my best friends. And sadly she didn't even bother to company me today. Yeah, whatever. It's still nothing compared to some people fate out there who don't even have anything to eat today. I should thankful for what I've today and still breathing on this beautiful earth. This life that I have, some people wanted to be me and some of my friends adore me. I don't know why they think I have everything. I may have PhD at the youngest age but who needs that when you are all alone. I never proud of myself. Maybe because of what I did in my past. There are so many mistakes and much regrets. And no matter you want to forget your past, you can't because you have to live with it. It made what type of person are you today. I become wiser yet I am full of revenge and still can't forget and forgive. I'm not happy with my life but I'm trying to find my happiness. I don't know how but for now I just live like a robot and finish everything that I've started. This life that I have go through until today have thought me everything. And I hope I can live long enough to finally find my happiness, make something meaningful and forgive myself for all stupid mistakes that I've done.     

we need to talk

Yesterday was my nephew's birthday party and it was held at my parents'. It was awkward to meet my cousins and my childhood friends where we grew up together until I moved to city when I was twelve. I didn't know what to talk about whenever we tried to have a conversation. So, we just had an awkward conversation like this...

Me: Wow. You have a second child, already. Just wow!

Friend: Yeah. And I can't believe you almost finish with your PhD.

Me: But I'm not married and not having any child.

Friend: Well, I only have bachelor degree.

Me: Fuck. We are old.

Friend: Yeah, we're old.

Me: .....

Friend: .....

Awkward silent for few minutes and then stare at each other before I left.

*I may added the last part because it only happened in my mind. lel. 

New year, old me. Older by a year, literally.

It’s a week after the new year. Page 7 in real life, but I’m on chapter 4 currently (thesis writing, still). Anyway, nothing new with me or this blog and as usual I wrote a post today because I’m so stressed like hell. I hate my life! Nope. Actually I hate doing data analysis. But I can’t write my depression on twitter because it’s limited to 140 characters. Anyway, speaking of giving up on life, I probably have this thought on finally giving up on being a good Pokemon trainer. Who am I kidding? I am never good at it. Well, at least I’m not giving up on my study like one of my best friend did. I used to. I even dreamt about it. In my dream where I left all my stuff in my car in front of my mom’s house and run away from this country and never return back again. I wish I can do so! Yet, I don’t want to be another burden to my parents. When my eldest bro left his 3 children with my mom after he got divorced, it was a painful enough for my mom. She thought that she can finally enjoy all the money and time that she has after all her children grow up. Sadly no, because now she has to take care of her grandchildren. Before I came back here, I heard my mom said that how she wished all these 3 kids not here. It’s kind of mean but honestly I know how she felt. So, here we are. In the brand new year or should I said another depressing year? It's just 7 days after new year and I already depressed. What the hell…  

it's a final countdown!

2013 will be end in less than 2 weeks. Looking back on what I've done this year, it's like a dream or fantasy or both. I don't even realize in which world I was and how fast this year has gone. I have started this blog this year, in February to be exact. Also this year I have travel to four different places and I love them all. I have met so many strangers that finally became my friends. My best friends got married and engaged. I have written 3 papers and a book. And started my journey as a Pokemon trainer. That's too many to list on what 2013 had brought to me. But it was a good year though. Better than last year and last two years. These past two years were the rough years for me and I'm glad it was over. I know that 2014 will be better. Even so many prices will be increase next year, but I will make sure that I can finish my study on time and leave this country for good. That's the dream (Barney Stinson, 2013). So, for the beginning of 2014, I don't want to list down my resolutions. There is no more list. I will do whatever I feel like to do and live to the fullest. 

*2013 was the year that I finally move on from my previous relationship (after 2 years and something). Thanks to a guy that help me in doing so even he likes another girl. lol

*I'm glad that I wrote this blog, so that I can remember what happening all this year

*2014 will be a great year because of FIFA, bitches! It's a year that I will focus more on myself and my study. So, it will be less post in here.

*Still I don't want to think about getting married or having a relationship. (For the record, I have told my guy best friend about this and he asked me why and I told him that was because the world going to end soon. So why bother to get married or whatsoever. And he told me that this world not going to end and we're going back to ice age again. I was like wtf you're talking about.)

*This is the only post that I wrote whatever in my mind. Screw you, grammar!

See you guys in 2014. Happy new year in advance. :)

Thank God Its Friday The 13th! (Again)

Its been awhile I didn't open my tumblr account. I have this one post about friday the 13th that I love in there. So, I'm gonna share it in here. RIP tumblr account. *throw some flower petals*

*it's a good day to watch evil dead or marathon all the Jason series*

because I have so many times to waste...

It's a day after the 111213 date. I should have write something yesterday but I don't. It's been a week I have wasting my time again doing nothing and still. However, times will always flies and we only have less than 3 weeks before we end this 2013 year. Well, as usual I'm mumbling again. Ever since my last post in here, I have so many things to write but then I forgot. Maybe I should just write without thinking. Speaking of think, I always want to write about love, sex and marriage. These three things not bothering me at all but I have no clue why people around me keep talking about these. Yesterday, I had a conversation with my friend, a guy to be specific. He is on his way to meet his future in law this weekend. Like I give a damn at all, but the thing that's bothering me in our conversation was how he told me that I wouldn't leave a bedroom after I getting married. For god sake, marriage is not just about sex! Can't people sometimes use their brain? I'm not sure if he didn't mean what he said or he was just trying to use his lame sense of humor, but seriously. In another story, my mom had a visit to her hometown last weekend and she gossips about my cousin who is 6 years younger than me and having her second child now. I was just “wow, she has no life!”. It’s not like I questioning someone's fate that God has written or whatsoever. And I'm pretty sure that it is not fate at all. It's a choice that you made. In this case, she made. Lack of sex education in our country is one of the causes this such case happened. This is not my first cousin that pregnant before she gets married. Luckily, she doesn't drop her baby in a dustbin or bury it alive like most cases in the newspaper. 

I still remember, I have a best friend (a girl) and she does not know what a condom looks like. It's just shocking! I mean, it is okay to be naive sometimes but this kind of thing that will lead to this whole problem, don't you think? Sometimes loving someone too much and willing to give anything to her partner is another cause of this problem too. Believe me, I have seen some of these cases. So, having sex before getting married is quite normal in our society now even though it's not supposed to happen since this is not our culture and definitely a sin. But is by getting married will solve everything? If you ask me, I will simply answer no. I know some people that try to solve this kind of problem by getting married. And some of them suffer because they're not ready to start a family. Worse, they have a baby right after they get married (on a first trial probably, lol). In this kind of case, should we blame fate too? Sometimes I feel how lucky I am because I am not involved with any of these no matter how alone I look. It's not wrong to fall in love and of course when you love someone, you want to have sex and get married. But please use brain before do anything stupid because once you took a wrong step, you never can't turn it back. (I still don't know why I give an advice at the end of my post. haha)