New year, old me. Older by a year, literally.

It’s a week after the new year. Page 7 in real life, but I’m on chapter 4 currently (thesis writing, still). Anyway, nothing new with me or this blog and as usual I wrote a post today because I’m so stressed like hell. I hate my life! Nope. Actually I hate doing data analysis. But I can’t write my depression on twitter because it’s limited to 140 characters. Anyway, speaking of giving up on life, I probably have this thought on finally giving up on being a good Pokemon trainer. Who am I kidding? I am never good at it. Well, at least I’m not giving up on my study like one of my best friend did. I used to. I even dreamt about it. In my dream where I left all my stuff in my car in front of my mom’s house and run away from this country and never return back again. I wish I can do so! Yet, I don’t want to be another burden to my parents. When my eldest bro left his 3 children with my mom after he got divorced, it was a painful enough for my mom. She thought that she can finally enjoy all the money and time that she has after all her children grow up. Sadly no, because now she has to take care of her grandchildren. Before I came back here, I heard my mom said that how she wished all these 3 kids not here. It’s kind of mean but honestly I know how she felt. So, here we are. In the brand new year or should I said another depressing year? It's just 7 days after new year and I already depressed. What the hell…  

it's a final countdown!

2013 will be end in less than 2 weeks. Looking back on what I've done this year, it's like a dream or fantasy or both. I don't even realize in which world I was and how fast this year has gone. I have started this blog this year, in February to be exact. Also this year I have travel to four different places and I love them all. I have met so many strangers that finally became my friends. My best friends got married and engaged. I have written 3 papers and a book. And started my journey as a Pokemon trainer. That's too many to list on what 2013 had brought to me. But it was a good year though. Better than last year and last two years. These past two years were the rough years for me and I'm glad it was over. I know that 2014 will be better. Even so many prices will be increase next year, but I will make sure that I can finish my study on time and leave this country for good. That's the dream (Barney Stinson, 2013). So, for the beginning of 2014, I don't want to list down my resolutions. There is no more list. I will do whatever I feel like to do and live to the fullest. 

*2013 was the year that I finally move on from my previous relationship (after 2 years and something). Thanks to a guy that help me in doing so even he likes another girl. lol

*I'm glad that I wrote this blog, so that I can remember what happening all this year

*2014 will be a great year because of FIFA, bitches! It's a year that I will focus more on myself and my study. So, it will be less post in here.

*Still I don't want to think about getting married or having a relationship. (For the record, I have told my guy best friend about this and he asked me why and I told him that was because the world going to end soon. So why bother to get married or whatsoever. And he told me that this world not going to end and we're going back to ice age again. I was like wtf you're talking about.)

*This is the only post that I wrote whatever in my mind. Screw you, grammar!

See you guys in 2014. Happy new year in advance. :)

Thank God Its Friday The 13th! (Again)

Its been awhile I didn't open my tumblr account. I have this one post about friday the 13th that I love in there. So, I'm gonna share it in here. RIP tumblr account. *throw some flower petals*

*it's a good day to watch evil dead or marathon all the Jason series*

because I have so many times to waste...

It's a day after the 111213 date. I should have write something yesterday but I don't. It's been a week I have wasting my time again doing nothing and still. However, times will always flies and we only have less than 3 weeks before we end this 2013 year. Well, as usual I'm mumbling again. Ever since my last post in here, I have so many things to write but then I forgot. Maybe I should just write without thinking. Speaking of think, I always want to write about love, sex and marriage. These three things not bothering me at all but I have no clue why people around me keep talking about these. Yesterday, I had a conversation with my friend, a guy to be specific. He is on his way to meet his future in law this weekend. Like I give a damn at all, but the thing that's bothering me in our conversation was how he told me that I wouldn't leave a bedroom after I getting married. For god sake, marriage is not just about sex! Can't people sometimes use their brain? I'm not sure if he didn't mean what he said or he was just trying to use his lame sense of humor, but seriously. In another story, my mom had a visit to her hometown last weekend and she gossips about my cousin who is 6 years younger than me and having her second child now. I was just “wow, she has no life!”. It’s not like I questioning someone's fate that God has written or whatsoever. And I'm pretty sure that it is not fate at all. It's a choice that you made. In this case, she made. Lack of sex education in our country is one of the causes this such case happened. This is not my first cousin that pregnant before she gets married. Luckily, she doesn't drop her baby in a dustbin or bury it alive like most cases in the newspaper. 

I still remember, I have a best friend (a girl) and she does not know what a condom looks like. It's just shocking! I mean, it is okay to be naive sometimes but this kind of thing that will lead to this whole problem, don't you think? Sometimes loving someone too much and willing to give anything to her partner is another cause of this problem too. Believe me, I have seen some of these cases. So, having sex before getting married is quite normal in our society now even though it's not supposed to happen since this is not our culture and definitely a sin. But is by getting married will solve everything? If you ask me, I will simply answer no. I know some people that try to solve this kind of problem by getting married. And some of them suffer because they're not ready to start a family. Worse, they have a baby right after they get married (on a first trial probably, lol). In this kind of case, should we blame fate too? Sometimes I feel how lucky I am because I am not involved with any of these no matter how alone I look. It's not wrong to fall in love and of course when you love someone, you want to have sex and get married. But please use brain before do anything stupid because once you took a wrong step, you never can't turn it back. (I still don't know why I give an advice at the end of my post. haha)

when feel lonely, just sing a song.

There was an incident in himym episode. I couldn't recall which but definitely Ted Mosby part. And then there was this song played in the background. It's from Wilco, "How to Fight Loneliness". The lyrics is actually like a step telling you what to do when you feel lonely. 

How to fight loneliness
Smile all the timeShine you teeth til meaninglessSharpen them with lies
And whatevers going downWill follow you aroundThats how you fight lonelinessYou laugh at every jokeDrag your blanket blindlyFill your heart with smokeAnd the first thing that you wantWill be the last thing you ever needThats how you fight it
Just smile all the time

Well, I do feel lonely sometimes especially when I'm in here since I don't socialize much and got not much friends nor family. But for sure, I didn't do anything like in that lyrics. Geez. Plus, I got my new bff now. Yup... 

you think you're better than me?!

There must be someone or perhaps some people in your life that think he/she better than anyone else. If no, maybe you're that person. Well, in my case, I have two of those in my family and a few of them in my friends' list. Seriously this type of person is fucking annoying. I'm literally imagining that I can bitch slap him/her in my mind while he/she is talking. Like he/she is the best and others just some shit. There was an incident last week where I went out with this friend of mine and he managed to make me felt down about my book and my study. Yes, I wrote a book and now I kinda regret sending it to a publisher because I think it's just a piece of rubbish that someone would regret buy it or probably the best joke ever on me. I do really feel bad about the book since he talked to me like "why your book title sounds like a journal paper?" and I just smiled without saying any word. In my head I was saying to myself "well that because it was a journal paper that turn out to be a book because the publisher wants me to do so" But of course I have no guts to tell him that because unlike him, I always think I'm not good enough and my research is just another piece of shit too. 

Why people do this? Make themselves feel so good and look down to everyone else until they lost their motivation. Maybe it is not their intention to make people down but the way they said about themselves like they're better than anyone else and to win an argument all the time do make people down. Like another case where my sister and also a friend of mine that always love to correct my pronunciation. It's good if they really want to correct it without making you feel bad about yourself. But every time when I pronounced some words wrongly, they sometimes said something mean and made me feel like they're are saying shut the fuck up and just talk in your mother tongue language. Well, that's another reason why our race is not getting better. I feel more comfortable speaking in English with strangers especially tourist than speak with someone that I know because people that we know do make fun when we do or say something wrong instead of courage us to be better. Maybe it's a karma after all because I did this to my students that's not very good in math even though my intention was to motivate them. And the truth is not everyone can turn a criticism to a motivation especially people that's easy to lose motivation like me. Since I felt like karma hit me with a big car, I think I would stop doing that to others. It's not cool, bro. If you think you're better than everyone else, just think that there is always someone out there that is better than you. The end.

lost the battle, win the war

It has been four days since I came back home from Penang. I came back for one purpose actually which was to win the war after I lost in the last battle that I had with that bitch. Anyway, things are different now. I'm not fighting in any battle or war anymore. And yup, I'm giving up just like that. But why? I sound so energetic and full with revenge in my previous post. Why I'm giving up? First, when I came home four days ago, I thought (well, I imagine in my head actually) that my family will give me a full support and perhaps a hug that I really needed (who I'm kidding). In reality, they didn't give a damn at all. Not even a word. To make it worse, they made a joke of me (why I'm not surprised). For a moment, I forgot that I have lived with my emotionless siblings for twenty-six years. Seriously, what did I expect? A hug? Really? Since I was all alone in this war and the only people that support me behind my back were 2-3 of my friends, therefore I thought it's for the best if I just gave up instead of fighting back. It made me think that sometimes it's not about things that we lost; like in my case I had lost some money, times, anger and rationality, and winning a fight or an argument. It's about who will always be by your side, people that have your back and how strong are you as a person. Giving up in a war that's not worth your fight or times does not mean you're a weak, coward or quitter. Sometimes it is better to just let it go and start fresh and made your mistakes as a lesson in this life.