hush hush

She looks into me and said “I can never be as strong as you. How you do that?”

I just smile even I was dying to cry in her arms. “I don’t even know how I do that. Well, we will meet again at your engagement, right?”

“Yup. Hope so. Take care, okay.”

“You too!”

That was the last conversation that I had and it was last week. Believe it or not, I haven’t spoke to any human being until today except when I ordered my coffee at starbucks yesterday and a small talk with uncle that delivered cooking gas to my rent house this morning. It was nothing, really. Except I had been a little bit crazy yesterday. I miss talking to someone. When the first time I move into this house, I knew that there will be less conversation between me and my housemates since it was stated in terms and condition (Yes, they do have it). But I took this place anyway since I was so in love with it. Oh well… I can’t complaint much, can I? I have everything that I want in my life except a person to talk to. It’s true that you can find happiness by doing something that you love. Lately this, I tried to paint and it did make me happy but eventually after I’m done with it, I still felt empty. I looked up into my little sis bio on twitter and she wrote that her life is empty too. Even she that lives around the family feels empty! I can’t blame her. We live in the emotionally unavailable family after all. Seriously, I never met any siblings that called each other shit on each other’s face and talked about each other behind each other’s back and never shared any problems with each other. Like ever! Sometimes I do wish and my wish is not something related with finally find my other half but it is enough for me, to finally share everything that I want with my siblings, even only one out of six. I had tried with my little sis once and twice but apparently, it did not work the way that I wanted. It was so sad when you can’t count to anyone in this world even your blood related. What left then? Only you and yourself? Being alone is okay sometimes but for the long terms, it’s getting harder and too much pain in your chest. I even have to do my research on my own. It’s nothing related but it’s literally killing me when my friends said that I’m working so well and going to finish my study soon while I’m here still have no idea what am I doing. I was so lost even in my very final year. Goth, somebody help me please…       

an advice a day, keep your stress away.

I don't usually like quotes but quotes from Mary Schmich are just so deep and they are more like advice. I love them so much I want to share it on my blog. Hence, here are her quotes which were taken from Wear Sunscreen.

"Wear sunscreen. 

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now. 

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine. 

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday. 

Do one thing everyday that scares you. 

Sing. 

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. 

Floss. 

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself. 

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how. 

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements. 

Stretch. 

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't. 

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone. 

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's. 

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own. 

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room. 

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. 

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly. 

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. 

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young. 

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. 

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders. 

Respect your elders. 

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out. 

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth. 

But trust me on the sunscreen.” 

― Mary Schmich, Wear Sunscreen: A Primer for Real Life  

Love is one big illusion, I should try to forget

A week before 14 Feb, the day where some of us declare as "celebrating love" day. Last year, I made this blog and my forth post after a short introduction was about 'the one'. And I've been talking about 'the one' a lot ever since. Well, I'm done with that part. No more about 'the one' this year. Anyway, last two days some of my friends wished me to get married soon and finally found my Mr. Right (after they wished me HB abbreviately) even all I ever wanted this year is to finish my study. To be honest, I was quite pissed off. Its like people think that getting married is the only purpose of this life and love is all about loving your partner or your kids (after you made some). Well, it's wrong. There are lots of things you can love beside your partner and kids especially if you don't have any. Love your family, your friends, your pet or your PS4. I love my 3ds more than some of my friends. At least my 3ds never hurt me back or lying to me or used me like most of so called friends that finally left me without reasons did. The beautiful thing about life is you can find love in so many different ways. You can fall in love with foods, good songs, beautiful place like Melbourne, or some other things. Because in my opinion. falling in love with other things beside human being or living things is the best since it will not left you with heart broken. Or probably the best thing to do ever is to love your God. 

It does not matter what you love or love to do. The only thing matter is what you love provided you with happiness. What is the point of loving one living thing but in the end you're not happy and hurts a lot while the other side is taking your love as a granted. It's maybe sounds selfish but just remember that sometimes you have to put yourself in front of anything else to be happy. Same thing as your job. If you don't love your job, just quite and find another thing to do with your life that can bring you happiness. It's not that easy especially that job offer you a huge paycheck but in this case, money can't buy happiness. At least I did this once. 

It's either yes or no, no maybe.

Usually in life we only have two choices. Simple case: to live or to die. As simple as that. Life is so beautiful yet it’s painful sometimes. But is it worth? I will go with yes. What is like to be dead? You feel nothing and have to lay down under 7ft from the ground waiting for the day where you’ll awake again just to be judged. Yeah, it sucks. I know. But death is not a choice as we can’t stay alive forever even most of us want to. Speaking of choices, we all have this one day in life where we stuck with some choices. Bad thing about choices is when you have it, you have to make a decision which is clearly something that I’m not good at. Once decision have made, you have to go with it and regret it later if it’s a wrong decision or in this case, wrong choice. I've made some wrong choices in my life like further study instead of choose to start my own business. But of course some choices can be taken for the second time. It’s not always the road not taken. I can always start my own business after I finish my study. The only thing that I've wasting here is my time and time is a bitch. 

However, there is a thing in life where we don't have any choice at all like rules. No one like to follow a rule (or read them) but it's not a choice. We have to follow it even we hate it. I know, right. There is a story that happened to me last two weeks where I met new friend from Aussie and she's christian. She asked me directly why I'm not covering my hair while there is a rule in my religion said that women have to cover parts of their body from seeing by non-mahram. Well, I'm not ashamed to say to her that I'm a rebel. I know it's a sin yet I rather be like this than be like others that cover their hair but wear skinny jeans which is for me is so wrong in so many level. Wth, it's my choice after all...  

time of my life

So today I turn three cubed. Well, you do the math. It just another normal day for me but really Google please stop wishing me every time I open your home page. I hate birthday. Maybe because its a day that reminds me I'm getting old and it also a day that reminds me how alone I am even though I am at home this year and surrounded by my family members. I don't care if people don't celebrate or even wish. That's why I change my birthday on Facebook anyway. Although sometimes I do envy every time I saw some friends got their surprise party. I wish I have it once in my life but of course my best friends are busy with their life even I did have plan a surprise birthday party for one of my best friends. And sadly she didn't even bother to company me today. Yeah, whatever. It's still nothing compared to some people fate out there who don't even have anything to eat today. I should thankful for what I've today and still breathing on this beautiful earth. This life that I have, some people wanted to be me and some of my friends adore me. I don't know why they think I have everything. I may have PhD at the youngest age but who needs that when you are all alone. I never proud of myself. Maybe because of what I did in my past. There are so many mistakes and much regrets. And no matter you want to forget your past, you can't because you have to live with it. It made what type of person are you today. I become wiser yet I am full of revenge and still can't forget and forgive. I'm not happy with my life but I'm trying to find my happiness. I don't know how but for now I just live like a robot and finish everything that I've started. This life that I have go through until today have thought me everything. And I hope I can live long enough to finally find my happiness, make something meaningful and forgive myself for all stupid mistakes that I've done.     

we need to talk

Yesterday was my nephew's birthday party and it was held at my parents'. It was awkward to meet my cousins and my childhood friends where we grew up together until I moved to city when I was twelve. I didn't know what to talk about whenever we tried to have a conversation. So, we just had an awkward conversation like this...

Me: Wow. You have a second child, already. Just wow!

Friend: Yeah. And I can't believe you almost finish with your PhD.

Me: But I'm not married and not having any child.

Friend: Well, I only have bachelor degree.

Me: Fuck. We are old.

Friend: Yeah, we're old.

Me: .....

Friend: .....

Awkward silent for few minutes and then stare at each other before I left.

*I may added the last part because it only happened in my mind. lel.