i dreamed a dream
where i'm home, everybody is happy
my mom gives me a hug
and she never tries to pick a fight with dad
we have dinner together everyday
wait for each other back from work and school patiently
laugh and share stories
there is a smile in everyone's face
and its not fake
no hate, no lies
only true love from the bonding of our blood
but it only a dream
when i wake up i see
my dad always yell to mom like usually
we never share stories
and we just people that happen to be related by blood
it never get better
since i was a kid until i getting older
same shit, different house
it always be a broken home where i felt like i'm not belong here
it is a home, it is a shelter
but it is not a place where we love each other
it feels with hate that never fade
through days and nights, year by year
we all still the same
happy ending is just a fairy tale....
Friday, 25 April 2014
Tuesday, 1 April 2014
how i respond to the finale episode of himym
Finally, one of my favorite series ended today. Lots of hatred on the finale of himym. I managed to read some of the tweets (even I did promise not to online Twitter for awhile) and I found one of the links that someone made as a tumblr post (and it was someone's fb status. what...)
There is a part that I agree with this guy and the rest of the parts, I don't. But before that, I love the ending. I reallly do. Most of tweets that I read said that it should be happy ending which means Barney and Robin, Ted and Tracy (finally the mother has a name!) and Marshall and Lily. Well, we can leave Marshall and Lily part because they're happy till the end of story. But kids, this is the truth about life. We can't always get happy ending and the writers of this series got that. And you guys should wake up from the fantasy and be realistic too. I had predicted a long time ago that the mother would die. This is the part that I agree with the guy that wrote fb status above. I was expected more sad part in the finale. I already prepared with a box of tissue, goddamnit. I thought that they will put more scene on Ted saying goodbye to his wife. But there was only like 2 minutes (or less) of that scene (which is not sad at all because it only shown Ted read a book to his wife). Well, that part was quite disappointing but the rest of it was great. I didn't expect Barney and Robin will get divorced. That's life anyway even in reality. Full with surprises.
Another part that I disagree with that guy fb status is when he/she said that Barney character is sad and miserable. No, sir! You're totally wrong! Barney had finally met his true love in his life which is his daughter (Quick recap: He did try to find his true love from woman like Nora, Robin, Quin and he can't find it.He even had his heart broken before he became man in suit). FYI, not all people got true love in form of a woman/man/wife/husband. Some of us got it in form of kids/career/or others. Geez people, again be realistic! And seriously people that get mad with the writers for made the mother died. Here a news for you guys, people die everyday. Get over it! And Ted is not being an asshole to get back with Robin. He waited for 6 years after his wife died. That's showed how much Ted really love her. This is my opinion anyway. I don't care if you people hate it. I still proudly say that I love this series damn much. And for those that not get the message in this series, go learn literature!
Saturday, 29 March 2014
reason to stay alive
Last week, I had a visit to one of the old age and elderly
care homes. It was something that I really wanted to do a long time ago. I was
grateful to get such an opportunity. Lots of things I have learnt during my
visit besides how we should appreciate and love our parents in the present and
future. It was really a heartbreaking to hear some sad stories from some of
them and reminded me that I’m not the only one with a sad story that people do not
know. Still, we survive all the pains and obstacles in this life without giving
up so easily because we do believe that there is something that drives us to
stay alive. Some people do not know that their existing can change someone or
other’s life. This life is not all about finding the right one, build family
and watch your daughter/son grow up and hold your grandchildren. Yet, most of
people that I met think that’s the only reason they’re alive. Sorry, but in my opinion it's really selfish if you think your life is all about you and yourself. For me, to stay
alive is mean that my presence is useful for human being. It’s totally
something worth it to stay alive even your have a very painful life. I maybe do
not have superpower or a great skill of fighting to battle with bad people but
I try my best everyday to help others even with a small thing. Doing right
things is not easy. That’s why we need to keep trying and remind ourselves
everyday. Sometimes I need others to remind me too like why I wanted to be a
lecturer, why I write all positive things on my blog even I’m not sure if
people read it or not, why I should finish my thesis on time or why I need to
stop being lazy.
Nota kaki:
Today is the earth hour day. Same as last year, even it’s a
small thing but you really can help by switch off the light for an hour. (Sorry
I can’t switch off my fans because it’s too hot in here)
Sunday, 2 March 2014
The ugly truth
I don’t get it… Why do people have
to lie to each other just to make sure that they will not offend their love one,
family or friends? Why they don’t just tell the truth like the words you said are hurting me, something is not right or you
don’t treat me properly. Is it hard to do? Or is it because when we tell lie
instead of telling the truth, then it will ruins everything… friendship and
relationship? Why people have to make it complicated while it’s as simple as
just telling the truth? We all know the answer. Because we prefer to hear
something nice even it was lie than something truth because it’s hurt. Today, I
don’t know for how many billion times I got this same shit that my words
offended people because apparently I’m sucks at telling lie to comfort them, to mind others’
heart. I asked one of my friends directly, am I bad as a person and friend?
Before she answered my question, she asked me if I wanted her to lie to me. And
I said…tell me the truth. She did tell me the truth that I was stupid for not
knowing how to mind other's heart. Of course it was hurt. But I can accept
it. At least everything makes sense to me. People actually do judge others by the words they tell not by what they have done to you. That’s unacceptable.
I am that kind of friends that bad with words but I know if my friends need me
whenever they want, I will make sure that I will be the first one for them. I
am willing to die for someone that I love but apparently no one can see that.
What I am willing to do for her/him because they’re too busy judging me by every
stupid word that I am saying. Well, if that’s so, then yes I am stupid. Stupid
enough to sacrifice anything for others but then people always left me because
of my words. That’s hurt actually. It hurts so much even all the words I wrote
here can’t describe it. I was hated because I am being honest. What kind of
world I live in? I thought friendship is like what I have been watching in how I met your mother series where they
offended each other but always be there for each other. But it’s not.
Sadly, I grew up watching my parents
and my siblings offended each other. I never learnt how to comfort other’s heart
with words. But of course people don’t understand me. I don’t mind. I tried so
hard not to be like my mom that never said anything nice to my dad. If you
think this shit is easier for me, I bet… you don’t. So what if people want to
leave me because everything that I said? That’s mean they don’t understand me.
They never, no matter how close they think they’re to me. It’s their lost after
all because it’s too bad they can’t see what I have done and willing to do for
them. Well, if I have to live this world by my own which is alone… Then I guess
that’s the only way I have to do this. No matter what I do, whatever my job
will be in the future and no matter where I go travel, it does not matter. I
will always be alone anyway. At least I know the truth and willing to accept it
even it hurts like hell.
Monday, 24 February 2014
hush hush
She looks into me and said “I can never be as strong as you.
How you do that?”
I just smile even I was dying to cry in her arms. “I don’t even
know how I do that. Well, we will meet again at your engagement, right?”
“Yup. Hope so. Take care, okay.”
“You too!”
That was the last conversation that I had and it was last
week. Believe it or not, I haven’t spoke to any human being until today except
when I ordered my coffee at starbucks yesterday and a small talk with uncle that
delivered cooking gas to my rent house this morning. It was nothing, really.
Except I had been a little bit crazy yesterday. I miss talking to someone. When
the first time I move into this house, I knew that there will be less
conversation between me and my housemates since it was stated in terms and
condition (Yes, they do have it). But I took this place anyway since I was so
in love with it. Oh well… I can’t complaint much, can I? I have everything that
I want in my life except a person to talk to. It’s true that you can find
happiness by doing something that you love. Lately this, I tried to paint and
it did make me happy but eventually after I’m done with it, I still felt empty.
I looked up into my little sis bio on twitter and she wrote that her life is
empty too. Even she that lives around the family feels empty! I can’t blame
her. We live in the emotionally unavailable family after all. Seriously, I
never met any siblings that called each other shit on each other’s face and
talked about each other behind each other’s back and never shared any problems
with each other. Like ever! Sometimes I do wish and my wish is not something
related with finally find my other half but it is enough for me, to finally
share everything that I want with my siblings, even only one out of six. I had
tried with my little sis once and twice but apparently, it did not work the way
that I wanted. It was so sad when you can’t count to anyone in this world even
your blood related. What left then? Only you and yourself? Being alone is okay
sometimes but for the long terms, it’s getting harder and too much pain in your
chest. I even have to do my research on my own. It’s nothing related but it’s
literally killing me when my friends said that I’m working so well and going to
finish my study soon while I’m here still have no idea what am I doing. I was
so lost even in my very final year. Goth, somebody help me please…
Tuesday, 11 February 2014
an advice a day, keep your stress away.
I don't usually like quotes but quotes from Mary Schmich are just so deep and they are more like advice. I love them so much I want to share it on my blog. Hence, here are her quotes which were taken from Wear Sunscreen.
"Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.”
Friday, 7 February 2014
Love is one big illusion, I should try to forget
A week before 14 Feb, the day where some of us declare as "celebrating love" day. Last year, I made this blog and my forth post after a short introduction was about 'the one'. And I've been talking about 'the one' a lot ever since. Well, I'm done with that part. No more about 'the one' this year. Anyway, last two days some of my friends wished me to get married soon and finally found my Mr. Right (after they wished me HB abbreviately) even all I ever wanted this year is to finish my study. To be honest, I was quite pissed off. Its like people think that getting married is the only purpose of this life and love is all about loving your partner or your kids (after you made some). Well, it's wrong. There are lots of things you can love beside your partner and kids especially if you don't have any. Love your family, your friends, your pet or your PS4. I love my 3ds more than some of my friends. At least my 3ds never hurt me back or lying to me or used me like most of so called friends that finally left me without reasons did. The beautiful thing about life is you can find love in so many different ways. You can fall in love with foods, good songs, beautiful place like Melbourne, or some other things. Because in my opinion. falling in love with other things beside human being or living things is the best since it will not left you with heart broken. Or probably the best thing to do ever is to love your God.
It does not matter what you love or love to do. The only thing matter is what you love provided you with happiness. What is the point of loving one living thing but in the end you're not happy and hurts a lot while the other side is taking your love as a granted. It's maybe sounds selfish but just remember that sometimes you have to put yourself in front of anything else to be happy. Same thing as your job. If you don't love your job, just quite and find another thing to do with your life that can bring you happiness. It's not that easy especially that job offer you a huge paycheck but in this case, money can't buy happiness. At least I did this once.
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