the story of us

I always wanted to be a writer even I knew I can’t write beautiful words like Carrie Bradshaw . (Oh wait, she does not even exist. She just a fictional character in a novel that I’m obsess with). But if I’m a writer, I really love to write about my friends. Just the problem is… what to write? I spend half an hour to think and finally I realize that my friendship is just as same as my relationship status. Come and go. Well, plenty much of my friends ‘break up’ with me. Even they didn’t said any words, but I can tell if someone doesn’t like me anymore or mad with me. It is not an assumption. It is an intuition that I have, like sixth sense. Sorry for keep repeating this thing. I knew I had said all this in the previous entry. Well then, someone asked me to put a few pictures on my blog to make it less boring because it is now full with thousands word. Therefore….

**pictures really tell everything, do they?

In my Chuck Taylor sneakers

You never know someone’s story until you walk in her/his shoes. People intend to judge whatever they see without knowing the truth behind the stories. In my case, some of people that just get to know me without reading previous chapters of my book, they will say it is lucky to be me. Well, maybe it is. But they didn’t know how much pain that I’ve paid to be this lucky. I’m not born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I wish I was. In fact, my father has almost turned 60 but he still has to do 2 jobs to support our family which work at private company in the morning and drive a taxi at night. You don’t know how it feels like when you drive back home approximately 4 hours away from your study place just to hear your family members fighting about money. Sorry. I didn’t mean to get your sympathy here.

Sometimes when I feel really sad and then the tears want to fall from my eyes, I try to hold it as much as I can and think about others that have worst situation than me. Who am I to ask people to try fit in my shoes? Everyone has their own pain in their shoes. But is it wrong to feel sad about a little thing? Am I ungrateful or this world is just an unfair place? Okay, this world is unfair. Actually, it does not matter how much pain you have in your shoes because maybe, just maybe.. what we need is not people to try to walk in our shoes but someone that willing to walk with us to hear our story and share our sadness and pain.  I just wish I have one….

The walking Pinocchio

Yesterday, I watched the new episode of ‘Once Upon a Time’ series (one of my fav drama series) and it was about Pinocchio. Pinocchio only can turns to boy again from woods if he tells the truth, be a brave boy and not selfish. Those 3 things are hard to do in our life nowadays. It makes me realize that basically we’re all walking Pinocchio. If we not telling lies to each other, then maybe we could be a coward by not telling the truth. And about selfishness, sometimes we should think about our happiness first without considering about others feeling. Well, I do that. But it is so hard not to be selfish. If you put others first too much, you’ll getting hurt at the end of the day. I used to be that type of person, since I got that behavior from my mom. And believe me, it wasn’t good. People will take advantages from your kindness. So, maybe we can be selfish sometimes and put others first on a certain condition or depends on the situation. We can choose to be a real person or walking Pinocchio. But it is not easy to be real. It requires some sacrifices and maybe you will lost something or someone. It is still in my head, these questions. Like how to be honest without hurt someone feeling? How to be happy without being selfish? How to be brave to tell someone the truth, make them listen and then have a real talk instead of telling that you’re okay because obviously you’re not? Is it as simple as “hey, we need a talk?” 

sweet nightmare

Tonight I’m not sleeping. I choose to stay up finish my writing as much as I can. While everybody is on their way to the dreamland, I’m writing this entry and thinking. I keep dreaming these few days but with my eyes wide open while staring at the blank page of Microsoft word. In my dreams, I saw me having so much fun with my friends which I guess will never ever happening. (I blame Taylor Swift - 22 video for this!)  Some of them are busy with their life, while some of them probably still ignoring me for what I had said and done. It's our choice after all. To live our life with full of dreams or nightmare. I’m still not sure which one is mine. I want something like in my dreams but my behavior and my words put me in the nightmare. And I guess it is not sweet. Even literally. Just wondering… Have you ever wish that you can wake yourself from a long sleep and nightmare, then bring yourself to the life again?

good girl finishes last

It is not easy to do something good in life. I am not just saying. Last 3 weeks I send my volunteer form to SPCA but I guess they didn’t accept it. I’d try to be positive by thinking that maybe they have more dogs than cats since most of the volunteers there are Chinese. It's okay. I’d try to join another organization that offers volunteer in hospital department but I guess they didn’t accept me either since they didn’t reply to my second email. It is still okay for me. These are all obstacles that I have to face in order to do something good. I think that maybe you guys out there experience something like this too. Even though it’s hard to be or to do good things, it is not a license for us to be a bad person. Oh…and another thing. It is funny when people tend to see bad things we had done but when we did something good, it’s like nothing happen. Of course we shouldn’t show off after doing something good but it hurts to see your friend left you just like that because of one small mistake that you did compared to everything that you had done for him/her. Wait.. Is this out of topic?

hot and cold

I don’t know about you but the weather is so freaking hot today. I’m staying at the 17^th floor and usually my place is not that hot even I live in the island. Well, I see some complaints about the weather either on Twitter. While we in Malaysia complaint about how hot our place can be without an aircond, people in Europe complaint that their places are too cold. According to the date and time, it is suppose to be spring by now. But I still heard about the snow storm in certain places like U.S Midwest, Europe in the news today. Global warming is that bad, huh. Or maybe it can be another sign that out mother earth can’t hold for too long anymore. Since today is the ‘earth hour’ day, maybe we can do something about it. Yes, of course as usual you can see people say something like “huh, earth hour. Whatever.” or “it's only an hour. What’s the difference anyway”. It is true that we should help mother earth every hour, everyday in our life and not just an hour. But as a starting why don’t we be a part of the world to help reduce global warming. You have nothing to lose after all. Okay, now I sound like I’m doing an advertisement on my blog. *switch off light*

Educational system or societies’ perception?

8 years ago, I was in the same situation as most of the SPM leavers today. Since my high school was 2 hours away from my hometown, I was on pin and needles along the way to get there. I didn’t know why I felt that way. I was already in for a place and during that time, I was doing my foundation earlier 5 months than any other normal kids. I should be grateful for that but on my second thought, should I? I was so confused that time. I didn’t know what I want to do in the future or what course should I take for my first degree. The worse part was none of my family members can give me an advise on that topic and my friends were as confused as me. There were some seniors and counselor tried to help, but I guess they can’t clear my path either. I used to dream about study abroad and took medicine course, but since I didn’t get straight A’s and with my result that time, the only choices I had was either to finish my foundation and take any course which suit me the most or go for matriculation and start struggling all over again to get 4 flat, and then go to medical school. One thing that I can admit is I’m the type of person that love to do anything faster or take a shorter cut than long way. So, I guess you knew which path I took. Well, that was a part of the story in my book.

It is true that you’ve to get straight A’s to get into medical school. But that is if you want to. You, not your parents. Sadly, not all students think they have any other option when they have straight A’s result in their hand. The choices are tight between being a doctor or an engineer. If they have any other dreams or plan for the future, maybe they still have to choose between that either since their parents will say “You got straight A’s but you want to take an art course? Are you insane?” Yeah, kinda like that. That is how societies’ perception either. They look up really high to you when you get more A’s and asking the same question “So, you’ll be a doctor, huh?” And when your results have less A they will say you’re not trying hard enough or you don’t have any future. I teach this one kid and her mother really wants her to get all A’s printed on her result. Even she just takes UPSR, she struggles like a university student. No kidding. People should aware that we are not machines that produce A’s on a paper. We’re more than that. What a waste if a student can score straight A’s on an examination but their thinking is not like their result? They can’t make any own decision or have critical thinking, they only memorize the text book and exam format. I didn’t say all of them but maybe some. If someone not excel in her/his examination, maybe she/he can be successful too by being a good writer or international chef (for example). The only thing that can measure people success is how they can turn their failure into a motivation to change her/his life.

I know I write too long for this entry, but I have the last part which to blame on our educational system. Another example on my another student; he is a form 4 student this year and he is no choice but to take some subjects that he is not interested. I asked him once why and he said the school give not too many options and either you like or not, you have to take the combination subjects. Yup, NO CHOICES. So, some students in our free country have to study some subjects they don’t like because of no choices. And then when they did not success in that subject, people will say that they didn’t try harder. Fair enough. As we know, pmr will be the last this year and it changes into the band system from next year on. I just hope there is a room to change for spm too. By change I mean is not terminated the examination but students should give more options on subjects that they want to take. Like US educational system for example. Declaration of Bahasa, English and history as subjects must pass is a good thing, but again the marks of the paper when it comes to big examination is based on the graph. I’m still not sure if it is a good thing or not. It maybe helps some students that are weak in the certain subjects but the question is, The number of students that got straight A’s every year is just a number or it is based on what they are?