when feel lonely, just sing a song.

There was an incident in himym episode. I couldn't recall which but definitely Ted Mosby part. And then there was this song played in the background. It's from Wilco, "How to Fight Loneliness". The lyrics is actually like a step telling you what to do when you feel lonely. 

How to fight loneliness
Smile all the timeShine you teeth til meaninglessSharpen them with lies
And whatevers going downWill follow you aroundThats how you fight lonelinessYou laugh at every jokeDrag your blanket blindlyFill your heart with smokeAnd the first thing that you wantWill be the last thing you ever needThats how you fight it
Just smile all the time

Well, I do feel lonely sometimes especially when I'm in here since I don't socialize much and got not much friends nor family. But for sure, I didn't do anything like in that lyrics. Geez. Plus, I got my new bff now. Yup... 

you think you're better than me?!

There must be someone or perhaps some people in your life that think he/she better than anyone else. If no, maybe you're that person. Well, in my case, I have two of those in my family and a few of them in my friends' list. Seriously this type of person is fucking annoying. I'm literally imagining that I can bitch slap him/her in my mind while he/she is talking. Like he/she is the best and others just some shit. There was an incident last week where I went out with this friend of mine and he managed to make me felt down about my book and my study. Yes, I wrote a book and now I kinda regret sending it to a publisher because I think it's just a piece of rubbish that someone would regret buy it or probably the best joke ever on me. I do really feel bad about the book since he talked to me like "why your book title sounds like a journal paper?" and I just smiled without saying any word. In my head I was saying to myself "well that because it was a journal paper that turn out to be a book because the publisher wants me to do so" But of course I have no guts to tell him that because unlike him, I always think I'm not good enough and my research is just another piece of shit too. 

Why people do this? Make themselves feel so good and look down to everyone else until they lost their motivation. Maybe it is not their intention to make people down but the way they said about themselves like they're better than anyone else and to win an argument all the time do make people down. Like another case where my sister and also a friend of mine that always love to correct my pronunciation. It's good if they really want to correct it without making you feel bad about yourself. But every time when I pronounced some words wrongly, they sometimes said something mean and made me feel like they're are saying shut the fuck up and just talk in your mother tongue language. Well, that's another reason why our race is not getting better. I feel more comfortable speaking in English with strangers especially tourist than speak with someone that I know because people that we know do make fun when we do or say something wrong instead of courage us to be better. Maybe it's a karma after all because I did this to my students that's not very good in math even though my intention was to motivate them. And the truth is not everyone can turn a criticism to a motivation especially people that's easy to lose motivation like me. Since I felt like karma hit me with a big car, I think I would stop doing that to others. It's not cool, bro. If you think you're better than everyone else, just think that there is always someone out there that is better than you. The end.

lost the battle, win the war

It has been four days since I came back home from Penang. I came back for one purpose actually which was to win the war after I lost in the last battle that I had with that bitch. Anyway, things are different now. I'm not fighting in any battle or war anymore. And yup, I'm giving up just like that. But why? I sound so energetic and full with revenge in my previous post. Why I'm giving up? First, when I came home four days ago, I thought (well, I imagine in my head actually) that my family will give me a full support and perhaps a hug that I really needed (who I'm kidding). In reality, they didn't give a damn at all. Not even a word. To make it worse, they made a joke of me (why I'm not surprised). For a moment, I forgot that I have lived with my emotionless siblings for twenty-six years. Seriously, what did I expect? A hug? Really? Since I was all alone in this war and the only people that support me behind my back were 2-3 of my friends, therefore I thought it's for the best if I just gave up instead of fighting back. It made me think that sometimes it's not about things that we lost; like in my case I had lost some money, times, anger and rationality, and winning a fight or an argument. It's about who will always be by your side, people that have your back and how strong are you as a person. Giving up in a war that's not worth your fight or times does not mean you're a weak, coward or quitter. Sometimes it is better to just let it go and start fresh and made your mistakes as a lesson in this life.      

worst month of the year

It's 3rd of November today and still not a good starting month for me. How should I say this. I'm not usually writing about my problems here as this blog is not my personal diary (or did I?). But I guess I can make a story out of my life experience. Remember how I used to be so optimistic in this blog and said all the crap (motivational stuff) to others? Guess what? Those words are not working on me. I don't even know the girl who wrote such things. Does she exist in real life? Or it just Carrie Ann that happens to be a part of me that I couldn't see. Anyway, that wasn't a story that I want to share. To make this post short, I had been fooled by someone on the internet. Not Twitter or Facebook but on the advertisement site. I'm pretty sure that it wasn't a new story since everyday, a lot of people had been fooled online. What made this story different from others is I wasn't trying to buy anything online. I just want to find a room to stay for a couple of months before I finish my study. I did this 2 times before and so far I got lucky because my previous two landlords didn't lie to me. But not for the third time. That bitch had lied to me and now I'm officially homeless with flu attacked (I got this 2 days ago. Geez! Thanks, November!) since I have no place to stay (except I still stay at the old place without paying any rent). 

My advice here, don't trust people on the internet especially when it involves money in whatever case. Secondly, make sure if you want to stay a room, you go and see the place first and the owner before pay any deposit or rental. Also, there are lots of scam on ibilik.my so be careful, okay! Lastly, if you have been fooled like me and out of idea what to do to get your money back, you can refer to this procedure from this link, and now you can get what you lost back. The important thing here, in this scenario, besides you can detect who is your real friend, you can also fight for whatever people did to you. Do not just give up and let that son of a bitch win. Since I am not a really good girl that forgive and forget what others did to me easily, therefore I am out for blood now. And hopefully others that being fooled like me, fight for your right too.

To believe I walk alone is a lie that I've been told

I don't like counting even I am a math student. Counting days especially. Or counting something that comes and go like friends. Today I met another two friends that I knew from Twitter. It's a good thing though to have more people that we know in this life and not stick with a circle only. I love to get to know others even sometimes I didn't know how to start a conversation. I guess it's just another reason why I love to be a lecturer and traveler. Speaking of counting, I'm still counting on my thoughts whether I should buy a Nintendo 3DS or PS4. Goddamnit! I don't know how I end up like this. I mean, earlier this year I wrote a few things in my notes like I should buy a bicycle and find a guy so that I can get engaged before the end of this year. And 2 months before the end of this year, all I ever wonder is about games and having fun. I just don't think about bicycle, healthy lifestyle or serious relationship anymore. In fact, I start not to think about those at all. Hey, who needs feelings when you have video games, right? Yup. And a good thing today that I had finally set my mind that I should focus on these three things only which are study, video games and Europe trip. Also, to face a fact that my life isn't normal like others since I'm not normal too. Normal is boring after all. So, maybe sometimes you just need to stop thinking too much what to do with life, stop planning or write something bullshit like getting engaged (seriously Azu?) and stop comparing others life with yours. Cause your story meant to be different with others and having a crazy messy story is the best thing that someone should have instead of a plain straight story which is not fun at all.  

me and fantasy, you and your memory

Another exhausting weekend just over. Now, I can finally sit down and start doing my work. Past three days I had been busy with my own schedule like always be by her side on my best friend's wedding and had a night out with another guy best friend for his own bachelor party. Well, it's not really a party since it's only two of us. But that night, I had realized something which was I have been living in my fantasy world for quite a long time. I should know that fantasy will never be as same as reality. I really hope someone should tell me that though. Well, I started to realize that fact when his bachelor party turns out not like what I had been fantasizing in my head. I really felt sorry for him since I'm that lame girl that didn't know how to have fun. I thought I knew since in my fantasy world, I'm that fun girl and really good with flirting. But yeah, in the real world I just a numb girl with emotionless where in the club that full with people dancing and flirting, while I just sat there and watched others having fun. I always wonder how it was like going to clubs. That night, he brought me to the place that I have never ever been in my life and thank God I didn't like that place. It wasn't like some place that I have been fantasizing. Well, for me it's sucks. Ever since that night, I started to see all the reality and leave my fantasy world, slowly. The next day was my best friend's wedding. Being by her side and watched all this wedding process made me felt like I just woke up from a long sleep. It was like someone slapped me hardly on my face and told me that I will never ever got what I had been fantasizing including my own fantasy wedding. Nope, especially that! Geez, reality sucks! I hate reality. Why I have to live in this world where we can't get what we want in a way that we want it without care about others opinion or let others interfere with our own fucking life. I don't want to leave my fantasy world even I know I can't be the coolest girl like what I have been fantasizing forever. And to face the fact that I will turn 27 next year. Seriously, life. If this the lemon you give to me, I will be honored to throw it backs on your face! (If only life has a face)

Nota kaki:
Carrie Ann, the other side of me who is live in a parallel universe. The coolest girl I have ever known. She's really good at playing video games and fucking talented in music. She plays guitar and keyboard. Her voice is just lovely. Outside, she is really feminine and she really knows how to dress to kill. Literally. She really loves to kill others especially bad people. Her favorite weapon is metal bat. She carries that stuff around in her backpack. (She hates designer handbag just like I do). Both of us have same interest but she is cooler and more talented than me. She is that girl who's know how to have fun. Sadly, she doesn't exist. IN REALITY.  

"Shit! I should write a fiction novel." 

seriously, where the fuck is 2013?

2013 is not over yet but I think I just blink and here I am in the middle of the tenth month of 2013. This evening, I walked Hariz to the playground. While looking at him running, I can't help to think about times all over again. Did this kid grow up too fast? I still remember I pushed him in the stroller around this neighborhood while he looked around and made a straight face questioning all things that he saw that evening. After a while, he started learning to walk by himself and today he didn't need my hand to hold anymore. He can ran and talked even I still can't understand a word he saying. And next year, Hariz will have lil bro/sis. As the times passed by, I still as same as the old me and not even a single thing changing. While my friends are struggling to save money for their own wedding, here I am struggling saving money to travel to Europe next year and now wondering if I could use some of my savings to buy games. Next year I will be 27 and I don't even think about marrying someone? Hory facku! There must be something wrong with me. 

Counting:

2 days before the big wedding (my best friend's wedding)

13 days before November and I'll be dead

32 days before NFS Rivals release