Rip my heart out and crush it with your hand

Love, it makes us weak and strong at the same time; it makes our heart beat faster and slower at the same time; and most of all it brings happiness and pain at the same time. This is not a story about perfect love like Barney and Robin, Ted and his future wife or Lily and Marshall. This is a story about forbidden love like Romeo and Juliet, except they didn’t kill themselves at the end of the story. In fact, it is not the ending yet. It's just a beginning….

“Hey. Guess what?” she spoke slowly to her friend on the phone. “What?” Her friend replied excitedly. “I’m in love….”

The conversation went for too long. After all, it made she realizes that her feelings for him is true. It just her mind can’t stop thinking about how far she willing to sacrifice in this relationship. And some questions like, ‘what if her mom does not like him?’ That what she scares the most; when the history repeating itself. Something that she never thought when she said “I do” to him. While she stared outside of her bedroom window, she thought about the conversation earlier that she had with her best friend. She knew her best friend wants the best for her and wants her to be happy again, but future is overrated. “Why we always have to think about the future and not let it just happen without any plan?” She asked herself. She knew that was a stupid question because like it or not, she has to think about it. She is not a novel character or actress in a drama series. Reality does not work that way.

Even he asked her the same question, “I’ve no future. Do you still want to be with me?” That question kept repeating in her mind. Future and money. Those two things that she believed her mom will ask her too. Obviously, she has no answer for that. She wished she can live in her own world without thinking about those two evil things. She even hates them both, especially money. Live with the idea that her family members always fight about money. She’s done live with that idea. If she has to think about the future, then the only thing she wants is not to have an argument about money. 

“Oh God, why? Why I have to fall in love again? Why it is like before? Why it is not easy? Why I can’t just live without this feeling? Why this feeling won’t fade away?” 

In that cold night, she prayed to God to take away that feeling and make her heartless. There were too many tears in her pillow and she cried herself to sleep again in the hope those pains will fade away tomorrow morning.