Credit cards: happiness from hell.

There is a book written by Sophie Kinsella entitled ‘Confessions of a Shopaholic’.  If you don’t like to read especially chick flick novel like me, you can always watch the movie that made from the best-seller novel. The novel or movie shows a good example on consequence if someone has too many credit cards and hunted by the credit card debt because he/she can’t afford to pay them. The story might be fictional but what happened in that story is a reality. It can happen to anyone that can’t resist in spending money on unnecessary things or tempted by sales which frequently held in almost every department store in our country.  I even have seen such thing happened in my family. My sister who used to refuse to apply for any credit card is now have to face with RM12000 card credit debt. Meanwhile, my father has to answer a phone call from credit card debt collector everyday from two credit cards that he applied 10 years ago and overspent by my mother who can’t control her spending during that time. If I have a time machine, I probably will go 10 years back and advised my parents not to apply for any credit cards since I knew they can’t afford to pay it back unlike my sister. Now, they have to pay the debt that probably takes their lifetime to settle. 

From these 2 lessons that I learn from my family, obviously I would say that credit card is an evil. But do we really need it? Most of department stores, restaurants and services take debit card now. Debit card is always better than credit card because you use your own money instead of borrowing from others (banks) and you have to pay the money with certain interest rates. Of course it is better than personal loan. But that is not the issue here. The issue is what if you don’t have any money in your account and your debit card is not useful anymore. That is when people see the advantage of credit card although there is a bad consequence follows. Credit card is like a magic that offered by some wizards which can bring you happiness but happiness comes with price to pay. Say no to happiness is probably hard but it is better than suffer forever. People who can’t afford to pay credit card should not applied it in any condition and always remember if you have something that you want to buy and the number in your account is not enough, that thing can wait until the end of the month. Even credit card just takes 5 minutes minimum to apply plus it can be done online and you think you can resist yourself from spending, my advice is still don’t because once you have it, your ability to control yourself will be fade just like your money that you think you will have in the future.   

the broken home

i dreamed a dream
where i'm home, everybody is happy
my mom gives me a hug
and she never tries to pick a fight with dad
we have dinner together everyday
wait for each other back from work and school patiently
laugh and share stories
there is a smile in everyone's face
and its not fake
no hate, no lies
only true love from the bonding of our blood

but it only a dream
when i wake up i see
my dad always yell to mom like usually
we never share stories
and we just people that happen to be related by blood
it never get better
since i was a kid until i getting older
same shit, different house
it always be a broken home where i felt like i'm not belong here
it is a home, it is a shelter
but it is not a place where we love each other
it feels with hate that never fade
through days and nights, year by year
we all still the same
happy ending is just a fairy tale....

how i respond to the finale episode of himym

Finally, one of my favorite series ended today. Lots of hatred on the finale of himym. I managed to read some of the tweets (even I did promise not to online Twitter for awhile) and I found one of the links that someone made as a tumblr post (and it was someone's fb status. what...)

There is a part that I agree with this guy and the rest of the parts, I don't. But before that, I love the ending. I reallly do. Most of tweets that I read said that it should be happy ending which means Barney and Robin, Ted and Tracy (finally the mother has a name!) and Marshall and Lily. Well, we can leave Marshall and Lily part because they're happy till the end of story. But kids, this is the truth about life. We can't always get happy ending and the writers of this series got that. And you guys should wake up from the fantasy and be realistic too. I had predicted a long time ago that the mother would die. This is the part that I agree with the guy that wrote fb status above. I was expected more sad part in the finale. I already prepared with a box of tissue, goddamnit. I thought that they will put more scene on Ted saying goodbye to his wife. But there was only like 2 minutes (or less) of that scene (which is not sad at all because it only shown Ted read a book to his wife). Well, that part was quite disappointing but the rest of it was great. I didn't expect Barney and Robin will get divorced. That's life anyway even in reality. Full with surprises. 

Another part that I disagree with that guy fb status is when he/she said that Barney character is sad and miserable. No, sir! You're totally wrong! Barney had finally met his true love in his life which is his daughter (Quick recap: He did try to find his true love from woman like Nora, Robin, Quin and he can't find it.He even had his heart broken before he became man in suit). FYI, not all people got true love in form of a woman/man/wife/husband. Some of us got it in form of kids/career/or others. Geez people, again be realistic! And seriously people that get mad with the writers for made the mother died. Here a news for you guys, people die everyday. Get over it! And Ted is not being an asshole to get back with Robin. He waited for 6 years after his wife died. That's showed how much Ted really love her. This is my opinion anyway. I don't care if you people hate it. I still proudly say that I love this series damn much. And for those that not get the message in this series, go learn literature!

reason to stay alive

Last week, I had a visit to one of the old age and elderly care homes. It was something that I really wanted to do a long time ago. I was grateful to get such an opportunity. Lots of things I have learnt during my visit besides how we should appreciate and love our parents in the present and future. It was really a heartbreaking to hear some sad stories from some of them and reminded me that I’m not the only one with a sad story that people do not know. Still, we survive all the pains and obstacles in this life without giving up so easily because we do believe that there is something that drives us to stay alive. Some people do not know that their existing can change someone or other’s life. This life is not all about finding the right one, build family and watch your daughter/son grow up and hold your grandchildren. Yet, most of people that I met think that’s the only reason they’re alive. Sorry, but in my opinion it's really selfish if you think your life is all about you and yourself. For me, to stay alive is mean that my presence is useful for human being. It’s totally something worth it to stay alive even your have a very painful life. I maybe do not have superpower or a great skill of fighting to battle with bad people but I try my best everyday to help others even with a small thing. Doing right things is not easy. That’s why we need to keep trying and remind ourselves everyday. Sometimes I need others to remind me too like why I wanted to be a lecturer, why I write all positive things on my blog even I’m not sure if people read it or not, why I should finish my thesis on time or why I need to stop being lazy.  

Nota kaki:

Today is the earth hour day. Same as last year, even it’s a small thing but you really can help by switch off the light for an hour. (Sorry I can’t switch off my fans because it’s too hot in here)

The ugly truth

I don’t get it… Why do people have to lie to each other just to make sure that they will not offend their love one, family or friends? Why they don’t just tell the truth like the words you said are hurting me, something is not right or you don’t treat me properly. Is it hard to do? Or is it because when we tell lie instead of telling the truth, then it will ruins everything… friendship and relationship? Why people have to make it complicated while it’s as simple as just telling the truth? We all know the answer. Because we prefer to hear something nice even it was lie than something truth because it’s hurt. Today, I don’t know for how many billion times I got this same shit that my words offended people because apparently I’m sucks at telling lie to comfort them, to mind others’ heart. I asked one of my friends directly, am I bad as a person and friend? Before she answered my question, she asked me if I wanted her to lie to me. And I said…tell me the truth. She did tell me the truth that I was stupid for not knowing how to mind other's heart. Of course it was hurt. But I can accept it. At least everything makes sense to me. People actually do judge others by the words they tell not by what they have done to you. That’s unacceptable. I am that kind of friends that bad with words but I know if my friends need me whenever they want, I will make sure that I will be the first one for them. I am willing to die for someone that I love but apparently no one can see that. What I am willing to do for her/him because they’re too busy judging me by every stupid word that I am saying. Well, if that’s so, then yes I am stupid. Stupid enough to sacrifice anything for others but then people always left me because of my words. That’s hurt actually. It hurts so much even all the words I wrote here can’t describe it. I was hated because I am being honest. What kind of world I live in? I thought friendship is like what I have been watching in how I met your mother series where they offended each other but always be there for each other. But it’s not.

Sadly, I grew up watching my parents and my siblings offended each other. I never learnt how to comfort other’s heart with words. But of course people don’t understand me. I don’t mind. I tried so hard not to be like my mom that never said anything nice to my dad. If you think this shit is easier for me, I bet… you don’t. So what if people want to leave me because everything that I said? That’s mean they don’t understand me. They never, no matter how close they think they’re to me. It’s their lost after all because it’s too bad they can’t see what I have done and willing to do for them. Well, if I have to live this world by my own which is alone… Then I guess that’s the only way I have to do this. No matter what I do, whatever my job will be in the future and no matter where I go travel, it does not matter. I will always be alone anyway. At least I know the truth and willing to accept it even it hurts like hell.

hush hush

She looks into me and said “I can never be as strong as you. How you do that?”

I just smile even I was dying to cry in her arms. “I don’t even know how I do that. Well, we will meet again at your engagement, right?”

“Yup. Hope so. Take care, okay.”

“You too!”

That was the last conversation that I had and it was last week. Believe it or not, I haven’t spoke to any human being until today except when I ordered my coffee at starbucks yesterday and a small talk with uncle that delivered cooking gas to my rent house this morning. It was nothing, really. Except I had been a little bit crazy yesterday. I miss talking to someone. When the first time I move into this house, I knew that there will be less conversation between me and my housemates since it was stated in terms and condition (Yes, they do have it). But I took this place anyway since I was so in love with it. Oh well… I can’t complaint much, can I? I have everything that I want in my life except a person to talk to. It’s true that you can find happiness by doing something that you love. Lately this, I tried to paint and it did make me happy but eventually after I’m done with it, I still felt empty. I looked up into my little sis bio on twitter and she wrote that her life is empty too. Even she that lives around the family feels empty! I can’t blame her. We live in the emotionally unavailable family after all. Seriously, I never met any siblings that called each other shit on each other’s face and talked about each other behind each other’s back and never shared any problems with each other. Like ever! Sometimes I do wish and my wish is not something related with finally find my other half but it is enough for me, to finally share everything that I want with my siblings, even only one out of six. I had tried with my little sis once and twice but apparently, it did not work the way that I wanted. It was so sad when you can’t count to anyone in this world even your blood related. What left then? Only you and yourself? Being alone is okay sometimes but for the long terms, it’s getting harder and too much pain in your chest. I even have to do my research on my own. It’s nothing related but it’s literally killing me when my friends said that I’m working so well and going to finish my study soon while I’m here still have no idea what am I doing. I was so lost even in my very final year. Goth, somebody help me please…       

an advice a day, keep your stress away.

I don't usually like quotes but quotes from Mary Schmich are just so deep and they are more like advice. I love them so much I want to share it on my blog. Hence, here are her quotes which were taken from Wear Sunscreen.

"Wear sunscreen. 

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now. 

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine. 

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday. 

Do one thing everyday that scares you. 

Sing. 

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. 

Floss. 

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself. 

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how. 

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements. 

Stretch. 

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't. 

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone. 

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's. 

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own. 

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room. 

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. 

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly. 

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. 

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young. 

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. 

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders. 

Respect your elders. 

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out. 

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth. 

But trust me on the sunscreen.” 

― Mary Schmich, Wear Sunscreen: A Primer for Real Life  

Love is one big illusion, I should try to forget

A week before 14 Feb, the day where some of us declare as "celebrating love" day. Last year, I made this blog and my forth post after a short introduction was about 'the one'. And I've been talking about 'the one' a lot ever since. Well, I'm done with that part. No more about 'the one' this year. Anyway, last two days some of my friends wished me to get married soon and finally found my Mr. Right (after they wished me HB abbreviately) even all I ever wanted this year is to finish my study. To be honest, I was quite pissed off. Its like people think that getting married is the only purpose of this life and love is all about loving your partner or your kids (after you made some). Well, it's wrong. There are lots of things you can love beside your partner and kids especially if you don't have any. Love your family, your friends, your pet or your PS4. I love my 3ds more than some of my friends. At least my 3ds never hurt me back or lying to me or used me like most of so called friends that finally left me without reasons did. The beautiful thing about life is you can find love in so many different ways. You can fall in love with foods, good songs, beautiful place like Melbourne, or some other things. Because in my opinion. falling in love with other things beside human being or living things is the best since it will not left you with heart broken. Or probably the best thing to do ever is to love your God. 

It does not matter what you love or love to do. The only thing matter is what you love provided you with happiness. What is the point of loving one living thing but in the end you're not happy and hurts a lot while the other side is taking your love as a granted. It's maybe sounds selfish but just remember that sometimes you have to put yourself in front of anything else to be happy. Same thing as your job. If you don't love your job, just quite and find another thing to do with your life that can bring you happiness. It's not that easy especially that job offer you a huge paycheck but in this case, money can't buy happiness. At least I did this once. 

It's either yes or no, no maybe.

Usually in life we only have two choices. Simple case: to live or to die. As simple as that. Life is so beautiful yet it’s painful sometimes. But is it worth? I will go with yes. What is like to be dead? You feel nothing and have to lay down under 7ft from the ground waiting for the day where you’ll awake again just to be judged. Yeah, it sucks. I know. But death is not a choice as we can’t stay alive forever even most of us want to. Speaking of choices, we all have this one day in life where we stuck with some choices. Bad thing about choices is when you have it, you have to make a decision which is clearly something that I’m not good at. Once decision have made, you have to go with it and regret it later if it’s a wrong decision or in this case, wrong choice. I've made some wrong choices in my life like further study instead of choose to start my own business. But of course some choices can be taken for the second time. It’s not always the road not taken. I can always start my own business after I finish my study. The only thing that I've wasting here is my time and time is a bitch. 

However, there is a thing in life where we don't have any choice at all like rules. No one like to follow a rule (or read them) but it's not a choice. We have to follow it even we hate it. I know, right. There is a story that happened to me last two weeks where I met new friend from Aussie and she's christian. She asked me directly why I'm not covering my hair while there is a rule in my religion said that women have to cover parts of their body from seeing by non-mahram. Well, I'm not ashamed to say to her that I'm a rebel. I know it's a sin yet I rather be like this than be like others that cover their hair but wear skinny jeans which is for me is so wrong in so many level. Wth, it's my choice after all...  

time of my life

So today I turn three cubed. Well, you do the math. It just another normal day for me but really Google please stop wishing me every time I open your home page. I hate birthday. Maybe because its a day that reminds me I'm getting old and it also a day that reminds me how alone I am even though I am at home this year and surrounded by my family members. I don't care if people don't celebrate or even wish. That's why I change my birthday on Facebook anyway. Although sometimes I do envy every time I saw some friends got their surprise party. I wish I have it once in my life but of course my best friends are busy with their life even I did have plan a surprise birthday party for one of my best friends. And sadly she didn't even bother to company me today. Yeah, whatever. It's still nothing compared to some people fate out there who don't even have anything to eat today. I should thankful for what I've today and still breathing on this beautiful earth. This life that I have, some people wanted to be me and some of my friends adore me. I don't know why they think I have everything. I may have PhD at the youngest age but who needs that when you are all alone. I never proud of myself. Maybe because of what I did in my past. There are so many mistakes and much regrets. And no matter you want to forget your past, you can't because you have to live with it. It made what type of person are you today. I become wiser yet I am full of revenge and still can't forget and forgive. I'm not happy with my life but I'm trying to find my happiness. I don't know how but for now I just live like a robot and finish everything that I've started. This life that I have go through until today have thought me everything. And I hope I can live long enough to finally find my happiness, make something meaningful and forgive myself for all stupid mistakes that I've done.     

we need to talk

Yesterday was my nephew's birthday party and it was held at my parents'. It was awkward to meet my cousins and my childhood friends where we grew up together until I moved to city when I was twelve. I didn't know what to talk about whenever we tried to have a conversation. So, we just had an awkward conversation like this...

Me: Wow. You have a second child, already. Just wow!

Friend: Yeah. And I can't believe you almost finish with your PhD.

Me: But I'm not married and not having any child.

Friend: Well, I only have bachelor degree.

Me: Fuck. We are old.

Friend: Yeah, we're old.

Me: .....

Friend: .....

Awkward silent for few minutes and then stare at each other before I left.

*I may added the last part because it only happened in my mind. lel. 

New year, old me. Older by a year, literally.

It’s a week after the new year. Page 7 in real life, but I’m on chapter 4 currently (thesis writing, still). Anyway, nothing new with me or this blog and as usual I wrote a post today because I’m so stressed like hell. I hate my life! Nope. Actually I hate doing data analysis. But I can’t write my depression on twitter because it’s limited to 140 characters. Anyway, speaking of giving up on life, I probably have this thought on finally giving up on being a good Pokemon trainer. Who am I kidding? I am never good at it. Well, at least I’m not giving up on my study like one of my best friend did. I used to. I even dreamt about it. In my dream where I left all my stuff in my car in front of my mom’s house and run away from this country and never return back again. I wish I can do so! Yet, I don’t want to be another burden to my parents. When my eldest bro left his 3 children with my mom after he got divorced, it was a painful enough for my mom. She thought that she can finally enjoy all the money and time that she has after all her children grow up. Sadly no, because now she has to take care of her grandchildren. Before I came back here, I heard my mom said that how she wished all these 3 kids not here. It’s kind of mean but honestly I know how she felt. So, here we are. In the brand new year or should I said another depressing year? It's just 7 days after new year and I already depressed. What the hell…