Honest policy.

How many of us return back change when a cashier miscalculates our balance? I can’t see even you raise your hand. But thanks for being honest. Not many of us can be honest. Yesterday, I wanted to withdraw some cash and because there were some problems with the stupid ATM machine, I left angrily since I thought my money will never come out. After a few steps from that machine, two guys that queue behind me shouted “Miss, Miss, your money!” I was quite embarrassed that time but most of all I feel so touched by their honesty. These kind of people still exist in this world.

Honesty is an important variable in constructing a relationship equation with your love one, family, friends and everyone around you. If you can’t be honest, it is hard for people to develop a trust in you. As we read in the daily quotes on Twitter or Tumblr, trust is like an eraser, it gets smaller and smaller after every mistake. And when too much lies are being told, no one going to trust you anymore even you’re telling a truth. Just like the shepherd’s boy and the wolf story. That is how much valuable honesty compared to Louis Vutton handbag. No, I’m kidding. It is invaluable. So, let’s start being honest with each other because it is a good thing and you have nothing to lose. Instead, everyone will loves you and respect you for your honesty.   

best friends forever

There she was my best friend, sitting in her room typing her research chapters. She is still my best friend and I don’t know if she knew how much I miss talking, chatting, gossiping, laughing and crying with her. We used to do all these things. But as usual, times change everything. That’s another reason why I hate getting older and growing up. It’s not just ruins fun paragraphs in your chapters, it also ruins your friendship. As you getting older, you watch your best friend getting engaged, married and build a family. Then, they will get busy with their own life, their own world. Words and pinky promise that only your best friend and you know are being forgotten.

Forever does not exist but that doesn’t mean  you have to forget your best friend way too fast, not even until half of your life chapters. And leave everything what both of you used to have behind. It's just sad to watch she leaves without saying what you’ve done wrong and a goodbye. She said nothing is wrong but for a woman, nothing means something. (I know because I’m a woman too). Why this thing happens? Why we can’t be like Serena Van Der Woodsen and Blair Waldorf or Caroline Channing and Max Black? Maybe because we live in the real world and not in the drama series where their life is written by a script writer. I just wish I can have my best friend back. Even she can’t be with me every time every day, well at least I hope I can hear she said that she misses me too and love me as much as I do and really meant every single word that she said. 

SMILE! (even you are not in the candid camera)

A smile is like a disease (But a good one). When someone smile to others, it will make her/his day. It’s also an answer to a problem when someone being rude to you. It will automatically make the person feels ashamed for her/himselves. I’m not usually smiling to others and I don’t smile when taking pictures. Some people labeled me as a weirdo. But hey, that’s me! Yet, when someone smiles to me, I will always make sure I smile to that person back even my day isn’t so good. It's called common courtesy and she/he has made my day, so why I should not do the same as what he/she did to me, right? So, next time if you see someone smiles at you even that person is a stranger or you’ve a bad day, don’t forget to reply it back. You will never know how much the price of your smile to others.   

call it what you want

We live in a judgmental world. What we did, what we said, what we wear… All of these going to be judged by the people around us. Some people said that only stupid judge others. But still we can’t escape from doing the same thing. In this cold world, idioms don’t judge a book by its cover can’t be used anymore. Because the cover does matter. If you don’t have a look like Carly Rae or Taylor Swift, you can’t be a famous artist even you have a great voice or super talented. Same thing goes if you have higher qualification on paper. For me, being smart does not necessarily you have to act like one. But society looks at the smart people by their own definition which means you have to dress up nicely, speak intellectual language, your writing must have zero grammatical error or in the simple words, you have to be perfect in everything. Yes, no one in this world is perfect, but still they’re expecting you to be at least better than any other average human which for me is quite unrealistic since smart people are human too.

Something that I got a lot is when people meet me outside the real world and they’re asking me about what I do or which level I’m studying now. Then, when they get the answer, I can see their surprising look because I’m not sure either I look too younger than my age or I just wearing shirt, jeans and slipper and looks like someone that grad high school with bad grades. This thing doesn't only happen to me. Do you still remember a girl named Amalina that used to be a phenomenal in our country because of her intelligence? Yup. She’s being judged by the way she dresses up too and lots of people bash her because she’s too sexy and kinda forget where she comes from. LOL. So, to wrap all these, I’m going to say that people will not stop judging you as long as you still breathe and this world keeps spinning. It is better to be yourself and ignore what people said behind your back or in front of your face. Like what I did now. Last but not least, never let people’s words bring you down. Just live your life because your life does not depend on the other’s hand. As long as you happy with what you have and what you do. 

Living in the shadow

Past is like a shadow. It keeps following us everywhere we go. That’s why sometimes it is better to live in the dark. There’s the only place where our shadow is gone and we can sit peacefully thinking about ourselves, our future or anything. But we can’t live in the dark forever. It will make us feel lonely, sad and all these unhealthy feelings. To get rid of those feelings, the only way is by living with our shadow no matter how hard it will be. Because when we get out of the dark and see the light that shine bright, it will bring more than happiness. It brings hope to start a new chapter of our life.

I have lived in the dark for too long. It is not because I’m afraid to see the light. I don’t. It is because I found that I’m already comfortable in there. (Well, that's explained why I have an empty soul). The bad thing when you are in the dark for too long is everyone will somehow forget about your existing. Especially people that think you’re changing and people that mad at you for what you had done in your past. However, there is a good thing about this since life comes with pros and cons. The good thing is I can know who is really care about me and who is my true friend because true friend won’t let you be in the dark for too long. They will try to find you anywhere you hiding and lend a hand to help you to go through with this tough life. They will not leave you alone. 

Hashtag FF

This post is not about fast-forward and also not about follow Friday. It is about forgive and forget. Thomas Szasz once said that the stupid neither forgive nor forget, the naïve forget and forgive but the wise forgive but do not forget. The truth is not many of us can forgive. Me either. That’s why we have revenge. Revenge is another story. It is something that comes with a price. As quoted in the ‘revenge’ drama series: Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. But this post is not about revenge. It is about forgiveness.

Forgiveness is something that hard to give but it is the attribute of the strong. If you forgive someone, you’ll become stronger as you let go of the pain in your chest. However, it's not just as simple as saying ‘I’m sorry’ to get someone’s forgiveness. I’m still don’t get the song ‘sorry seems to be the hardest word’. Which part is the hardest? It is like as easy as the phrase ‘I love you’ Anyone can say it without really mean it. Sorry seems overrated to me. If you want someone forgiveness, you have to do better than just said ‘I’m sorry’. Because once you hurt someone, the wound will be there for a long term. Sorry is just like  a plaster. You can cover the wound but it is still hurts inside. 

When I grow up....

Everyone has dreams, ambition or goals in their life. When I was a little kid, I always wanted to be a pediatric and my sister’s dream was to have a family clinic since we both will become doctors one day. Well, she did become a doctor now and will pursue her dream to become a specialist. I will become a doctor too someday (I hope so) but not in medicine. (Actually, I’m glad I don’t become a doctor in medicine since I’m quite traumatize every time I see blood). It is never too late to dream about what you want to be. When I further my study, I was quite depressed (still do) because it wasn’t what I wanted to do with my life. All I ever want to do are travelling, help others less fortunate, become a part time writer and have my own cupcake shop.  Maybe I still can do all of that after I finish my study and end  5 years contract with government. But then, should I sacrifice my love life to fulfill my dreams? How far will you go to make your dreams come true?

It is easy if you have earlier plan or you’re still young to figure out what you want to do with your life. So that you won’t choose the wrong path like I did. Looking at the bright side, sometimes I told myself not to regret at what had happened and just accepted my destiny since accepting is easier than regret it. As people said, life sometimes happens not like what you plan. It is true but it doesn’t mean that you have to give up on your dreams. After all, life is too short to regret for your past or to blame for your fate. 

solid -> liquid

Change is good but sometimes it could be bad too. Hardest part in changing is to change something from bad to good.  I know because I am now struggling to change myself to be a better person. I had changed before but sadly it didn’t last for a long time. Some people we wish they can change and some people we wish they don’t.  Before I  changed my location from KL to Penang the other day, I watched someone that I used to know change to someone that I didn’t know anymore. Well, that’s a typical line used in a novel to describe a bad change. Either we like or not, we have to accept the fact that a person can change without any reason and it can be anytime until we realize it. Even it will change our relationship or feelings to that person and it hurts to see her/him changing to someone that we didn’t want to, but nothing we can do to stop someone from changing. That’s a sad thing about life. Sometimes we can only sit and watch from a corner because we are too helpless to stop anything from happening or changing. 

Best before:

Foods and clothes come with labels. We have to read them so that we won't end up in hospital for eating expired food or lose our favorite shirt because it should not put in the washing machine. But how many of us really read what's on the label? Even if we do, do we read all of them including the tiny little details print in smaller font size so that users will miss the information about the product? Told ya. Life is not that easy. Maybe it will if people have labels too. We do label other people but it's only after we get to know them. Like my mom label me as a most stubborn daughter and my friends label me as empty soul, childish, thinker, and others.

If we can read what is the label on a certain person before we get to know him/her, we would not interested in wasting our time on people that labels as a jerk, an asshole, liar, and others. But then, we can't learn from our mistakes for choosing the wrong guy/girl to be our friends, best friends or even our partner in life. Once we know a person's true color, we might put a label on him/her and keep a reminder to ourself not to repeat the same mistakes again. So, a reminder to myself here is to read the label before puts too many hopes or dreams. In case maybe the food that I want to eat is already pass its expired date.

Words!

People said that action speaks louder than words. So, what is the function of the words? To please people? To give some crap advice that even you can't accept it? To give an empty promise? I'm playing with words now. Expressing my emotions of frustrating, mad, sad and hurt to the other forms so that I can share with people that read my blog. Words can be true and can be lie. Sadly, most people choose to give an empty word. They said, they write but they didn't proof it with action. A simple example is a politician. They give all empty promises so that they can win one chair in parliament. But that is an obvious example. How about people around us? Friends and family?

Words can really kill. It's either kill people, friendship, trust, emotions, feeling, and even your relationship with someone you love. That's the power of words. So, in order to avoid it, you have to be extra careful with what you said and what you type in any medium of social networks/ chat. Because once you say it, you can't never take it back. Since today I had been fooled by words from not one, it's like two or three people did to me, so I must say that I don't believe in words easily anymore. I'm not mad, I just laugh to myself cause can be easily fooled by someone that I thought really meant by what he said. Hah. It's just words after all.

mate for the soul

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone?

"Soulmate" by Natasha Beddingfield. And there is another one from his brother "If you're not the one". Both songs are about the same thing; soulmate which is also known as 'the one'. I actually type in Google "how to know he is the one" before writing this post. And here are my thoughts and story since every single source that I read is not as same as mine. Most of magazine or internet sources stated that he/she is the one if bla, bla and bla. Which for me is the basic things in a relationship. Being in a relationship or having a bf / gf doesn't mean that person is the one for you. Even if you're married to someone. And that's why people get divorced. I watched so many fail and successful relationship as I live. It happens around me, with my siblings and my friends.

It doesn't matter how long you'll be with someone. Times doesn't count. Couple that in love for 6 years can break up in anytime, marriage for 10 years not work as it suppose to be, stranger for 5 minutes can be so madly in love and stay together till the end of life time. As people said, "if it's gonna be, so its gonna be". Well, it's kinda true since you don't know your fate or destiny. But we can't depend on fate only.  Sometimes we have to find our own destiny and make our own fate. It is actually too general to describe about the one and to recognize if that person is your made in heaven after all. But since we're still on the topic, so how the one work? The one doesn't get away like what Katy Perry describes in her song. If he/she is the one for you, you'll never give up on them. You will fight till your last blood. Ok, maybe that's too far. But even the person dies, he/she will still remain in your heart and your memory like in the 'Up' movie. You will try as hard as you can and fight for the relationship. And of course this thing will not work if only one side puts an effort while the other side just sit around and watch your partner struggling in your relationship. Beside trust, teamwork also important in a relationship.

My past relationship taught me a lot of things. He could be my the one except I gave up on us so easily. I don't even try to fight for us. But that was an old me which is not mature as I'm now. Yup, I'm totally blaming myself for that. Hey, what's past is past. Even sometimes I wish that I can meet him for the last time and dream about we can be back together again like before, but that's not going to be happening. He hates me and I'm pretty sure that he is not my the one. If you asked me about how I know my the one, I'm not just knowing. My the one is not necessary has to be Mr. Perfect or my dream guy. He isn't perfect at all but I don't even notice what is less about him. I won't search his weaknesses and I don't care if he has 10 or more. I can just fall in love with him easily even I haven't met him yet and he does not have to try anything to impress me. I'll know that he is the one for me when I stop searching for another man and do not compare him with any other guys that I've dated. It is not that hard if you read my descriptions about my the one. But still, it is hard for me to meet him...till now. To be honest, I almost give up on his existing. I think I still do.

Sometimes I just want to assume that maybe he is in heaven now after hit by a lorry. And today, I realize that there is no hope at all. I try to convince myself that my the one is on his way as fast as he can to meet me, but then it keeps hurting me. I can say all these words as an advice to you "Have a little faith. Believe in the destiny. Don't give up on love. Love is meant to be hurt but it's still the most beautiful feeling when you can feel it." But after all, I'm the one that doesn't believe in those. People can die because of love. I just don't want to be that type of people. I have had enough of all these things. So, for others that still wonder if the person you be with now is your the one or not, sit down and asked your heart. Because when it comes to emotion or feeling, heart work better than brain. Don't get over thinking. Appreciate what you have cause love doesn't comes usually. Listen to your heart and do the best to see where this relationship goes. Maybe it's worth to give a try when it comes to love especially maybe that person is the one for you. Just in case, always prepare for the risk of getting hurt and the broken heart. Hey, everything comes with risk in this life, right? So, if it is worth...why not? After all, you never know if you never try. Like what Pink sings in her song "you've gotta get up and try". 

miss miserable

mis·er·a·ble. An adjective word to describe a person, environment or situation. Early in the morning today, I had a miserable day. It's all because I'm the type of person that always do last minute work. In the other words, I am the master of procrastination. Even everything becomes better at the end of the day and I was not even late for another meeting with another friend, but still the feeling that I had during that time was the worst. Besides worse feeling, I had wasted my money, printer ink and some papers too. (Poor tree). These things would not be happening if I do my work earlier. (Or maybe wake up early in the morning).

As a matter of the fact, it is actually yourself to blame for causing the situation to become miserable. Well maybe other people can be the unknown variables in the miserable equation, but when you sit down and think back again, it will lead to you. And then, you will start thinking about 'if I do or don't do'. After all, it is needed for us to have a time table and things-to-do list. By have, I mean not just write them down without doing it on your planning time. Just please don't be me. Time flies by so fast nowadays. If we just let it fly without catching up, we will regret it later. This is a reminder for myself too.

Love and the other things.

Its 14th today and still have one hour left before the clock struck 12 and a new day begins. As we all aware, today is the day where everyone share, spread and celebrate love. As it is needed to remember all people that we love for one day only and forget them for the rest of 364 days. I try to ignore what people celebrating today and live my life like it is another normal day. Except I'm meeting my two friends and we share our stories. All I can see today is people sell flowers everywhere which kinda like graduation day. This is a day for florist to increase their business income since flowers especially roses are freaking expensive. And our country is top 3 in the most expensive flowers selling chart. I can't help but wonder why in the world people want to waste their money to buy something that is really expensive in one specific day while they can buy it cheaper in other days? Is it really necessary to spend your money to show how much you love to someone? I read in the economics section today that the writer said money can buy anything except love. How true is that? Even to get married with someone we love requires a lot of money. Ok, maybe not a lot. But still we have to spend on the ring, reception, invitation card and others. So, is it still money does not matter?

We are not living in the 1960's where people can get married with just a simple wedding. Even if we do, how about the life after marriage? Car, houses and then you have kids. Women nowadays getting smart and independent. Do you think a girl wanted to have a life with you if you're broke and just depends on how much stronger your love to each other? If only love can trade with lunch meal, and that will be yes. But the truth is always painful. And that my friends what life is. After all, we all live in a cruel world. Maybe we have love, but still the questions left...Is it love all we needed? And have love is just enough? Before I left with all these questions in your head, let me remind you of the song from The Darkness, 'Love is only a feeling'.

First post is not the deepest

So, here we go...my first post on my blog! Previously, I had my own blog but I deleted it since I don't know why. Maybe too many personal stories that I shouldn't share with anyone but I did it anyway since I have nobody to talk to. But for this blog, no more personal stories, no recipe for cake (even I'm quite good in baking), and probably not too much photo (since I have not been doing photo outing this lately). So, it will be more on something in my mind that I want to share with you that read my blog and something that we can stop and think for a while.Comments are most welcome. :)