"please don't dear june me!" - June

Today is the last day of May and tomorrow is another new month. Half of the year already gone and still I just sitting here write another entry on my blog while I should worry about my dateline next week. Speaking of week instead of month or year, this week had been a really tough and rough week for me. Indeed, hell week I must say. Too many tears and I never been so down as I was this whole week. On top of that, I had done a few stupid things that I'm not proud of. However, I'm glad that this week is going to be over soon. I don't hope for a better month. If tomorrow is better than today and next week is better than this week, then I'm already grateful for that.

5 minutes too late

In the Great Gatsby, Nicky’s therapist had said to him that “if you can’t say any words to share the story, then write about it”. I’m writing my story right now.

Have you ever wondered what 5 minutes or even 5 seconds can do with your life? I just did. I never thought I will be in this situation; regretting 5 minutes that I wish I can turn back time and fix it so that I don’t have to pay for the summon that I got just now (post this entry a little bit late after this incident). This is the time where I wish I can meet ‘5 minutes me in the future’ that could warn me about this situation. Damn it future me! Why you didn’t show up?! This should be another lesson in life for me but I can’t even think on the bright side about what just had happened. I kept thinking about what if. What if I don’t take too long to choose books for my students, what if I just park my car in the Tesco, what if I don’t go out today and so on. Wondering about what if and wishing that I can meet myself in the future are something that I shouldn’t do since it can’t change anything. What's past is past and as usual I’ve to be careful next time. Just maybe I’m not okay with this situation because I was 5 minutes too late. Five fucking minutes! Damn it.  

There is no ‘free’ in the word ‘freedom’, eh?

Who doesn’t love freedom? Free to do whatever we want to do or say without being blocked by someone. Natural of being human, usually we will start a riot if we don’t get something that we want and in this case, freedom. In our country, there is Article 10 that guarantees us, as a citizen has the right to freedom of speech, freedom of assembly and freedom of association. This article also entitles citizens to such freedoms as are not restricted by the government, instead of absolutely guaranteeing those freedoms. But lately this especially after the general election, some people stated that we don’t have freedom of speech anymore. Anyone can be caught and jail if he/she said something beyond the limit in the social media or public. Since I have stopped paying attention about issues after GE, therefore I can’t say much about this.

Well, freedom is not good sometimes. In my case, given too much freedom in my research without supervision from my sv and even my co-sv literally has killed me. For some other students or people that didn’t understand my situation, they said I’m lucky and it’s really fun to be me since I can do my research whenever and wherever I want. Yes, it is fun to do research at home or in my own room and not limited to whatever my sv wants. I even love the fact that I don’t have to be in the post grad room at 9am till 5pm like normal post grad do, still too much freedom is not good though.; especially if you can’t motivate yourself to finish your work on time or lack of discipline. Price to pay, the chance you will extend your study is quite high. Therefore, maybe we should think on the bright side sometimes why we should not have too much freedom before start a riot.   

Rip my heart out and crush it with your hand

Love, it makes us weak and strong at the same time; it makes our heart beat faster and slower at the same time; and most of all it brings happiness and pain at the same time. This is not a story about perfect love like Barney and Robin, Ted and his future wife or Lily and Marshall. This is a story about forbidden love like Romeo and Juliet, except they didn’t kill themselves at the end of the story. In fact, it is not the ending yet. It's just a beginning….

“Hey. Guess what?” she spoke slowly to her friend on the phone. “What?” Her friend replied excitedly. “I’m in love….”

The conversation went for too long. After all, it made she realizes that her feelings for him is true. It just her mind can’t stop thinking about how far she willing to sacrifice in this relationship. And some questions like, ‘what if her mom does not like him?’ That what she scares the most; when the history repeating itself. Something that she never thought when she said “I do” to him. While she stared outside of her bedroom window, she thought about the conversation earlier that she had with her best friend. She knew her best friend wants the best for her and wants her to be happy again, but future is overrated. “Why we always have to think about the future and not let it just happen without any plan?” She asked herself. She knew that was a stupid question because like it or not, she has to think about it. She is not a novel character or actress in a drama series. Reality does not work that way.

Even he asked her the same question, “I’ve no future. Do you still want to be with me?” That question kept repeating in her mind. Future and money. Those two things that she believed her mom will ask her too. Obviously, she has no answer for that. She wished she can live in her own world without thinking about those two evil things. She even hates them both, especially money. Live with the idea that her family members always fight about money. She’s done live with that idea. If she has to think about the future, then the only thing she wants is not to have an argument about money. 

“Oh God, why? Why I have to fall in love again? Why it is like before? Why it is not easy? Why I can’t just live without this feeling? Why this feeling won’t fade away?” 

In that cold night, she prayed to God to take away that feeling and make her heartless. There were too many tears in her pillow and she cried herself to sleep again in the hope those pains will fade away tomorrow morning.    

factorize the f, we got ear!

We all have our own fear factor. Fear of God, fear of height, fear of ghost, and others. One of my greatest fears is cockroaches. Yes, I am Katsaridaphobia. I had this fear since I was five or six years old when I found that thing crawled under my shirt. Half an hour ago, I just had a great battle with that evil creature. That was the second time it flew into my room, but this time I didn’t even realize when. I only knew when it crawled on my leg and I nearly scream. I still can feel it. Geez, this is the new level of your blues, Monday?

A wise man once said that we have to face our own fear. I can face a cockroach but I won’t let it go near me. I don’t even care if someone offers me millions Ringgit to go into a tab that full with cockroaches.  

women use Gillette Venus. It’s super effective!!!

Sometimes when I’m out of idea what to write on here, I do a survey. So today I caught a guy online and chatting with him until I get an idea to write this entry. Now, let’s talk about single men’s opinion on why they’re still single beside the “I’m still waiting for the one” and “I’m not ready” excuses. One of the famous reasons is it’s hard to find a woman that is not a gold digger. As a woman, I have to admit that reason is valid. But label all women as a gold digger is so wrong in any level. Like me, I don’t care how much money my future bf or husband earns as long as he earns enough money to support our family in the future and will not asking for my salary. Maybe we will share to pay the house loan and utility bills but for the rest especially for groceries, it is his responsibility to give me money even I earn more than him. So, this is my point of view. For other women out there, maybe they have their own point or thought. But most of my friends even my eldest sister have the same thought with me. 

Basically, we’re the type of women that’s not looking at money as it is everything in this world but we need money to survive though, and most importantly to have a better life and live in comfort. Just ask anyone in this world, no one wants to live or born poor. Born as poor is not an option but we can change our fate and future. Maybe some woman chooses to be a freaking gold digger just to change her fate. Who knows?

Nota kaki:

I wish those guys that label all women as gold digger go and watch ‘Pisau Cukur’ movie. One of my favorite movie and in that movie it’s clearly stated how much a woman needs to sacrifice and struggle for her children’s future because she didn't want her children to have a hard life like she had. Last but not least, some woman like me maybe would like to know how much my future husband earns just for the sake to be secure. You know guys, women full with insecurities. Therefore, don’t be so quick and judge us as gold digger. 

Ride or die

Today is the premiere of F&F 6 movie and I already watched it just now. Since I’m a good girl, I’m not going to be a spoiler and write about it in this entry. So, yeah, you can continue reading. Speaking of fast and furious, driving is one of the things that I love the most. I still remember, somebody-that-I-used-to-know had told me that human are stupid. His explanation consists of something like we drive a box of machine that can move us from a location to another location but yet we are so damn proud with that box and drive like a crazy person with the ‘my box is better than yours and I can drive faster than your grandma’ look. If that makes human stupid, then I’m the stupidest. Because I only have a cheaper box of machine that can’t go more than 110 km/h but still I’m so proud of it especially if I can drive faster than the ‘luxury’ box.

Speed is something that makes me feel alive. It’s dangerous yet fun. Especially with my favorite songs play out loud in my box’s speaker. The feeling is hundred times better than falling in love. It could make me forget all the problems that I have for a while and sometimes I drive without any direction just to release my stress. I imagine sometimes; what if I die in an accident due to full speed from the old box that can’t handle it. Is it worth? A part of me answer yes. But then, we can’t choose how we want to die, can we? So, it is either you drive carefully then someone crazy will hit you or you drive like crazy and the end is still the same. Sometimes in life we just need to do what we love to do without thinking about its consequences. All the fun things are dangerous but if stay safe doesn’t make you feel alive, then what’s life? You can disagree or agree with my statement. I don’t give a shit. I will and always be that crazy driver on the road with loud speaker and sing out loud to my favorite songs alone in my box without giving a damn what people’s perception on me.

Don’t look at the past, you said

Last night, all my past suddenly came across my mind. I didn’t even know why. Maybe I’d miss the good old days where I enjoy life so much and didn’t give a damn about politics, love or future. That’s a good thing about being young and free. The problem is we can’t be forever young or free. In the Great Gatsby movie that I just watched today, Gatsby once said “Of course we can repeat the past!” No matter how much Nicky wanted to disagree with Gatsby, he finally agreed that we can repeat the past after Gatsby passed by. If we can repeat the past, do we want to repeat it? What Gatsby tried to deliver in his line was nothing to do with our mistakes that we had done; it’s about the good moments, fall in love for the second times with the same person and maybe just enjoy some times that we have like the good old days even we’re not getting younger anymore. What’s life if we keep depressing about future that’s not sure yet? There is another line in ‘The Notebook’ movie and it’s one of my favorite (I’m so Ted Mosby) “I don’t want to survive! I want to live!” 

this zone level is more than 9000

Some people said that guys have been put in friend zone more than girls. If that's true, then I’m a guy. I can list down all the guys that have put me in the friend zone and I’m pretty sure the list is longer than girls that Ted Mosby has dated list. Okay, maybe not. Well, my point is being put in the friend zone is not fun at all. I admit that I have put some guys in the friend zone too. If this is karma for me, then I accept it. But that is not the story here. Recently, a guy had put me in the friend zone and that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was he still treat me nicely and call me dear every time he text me. It’s like playing with someone’s feelings, am I right? If I can describe this situation with something else, it will be like you fall into deep hell and then get burned with the highest degree.

Being put in the friend zone makes me wonder and the first question of course why. Then, I realize why I do the same to some guys. The answer is feelings is not something that you can force. But at least if you want to put someone in the friend zone, make sure that you treat the person like friend after that. Don’t be a jerk by calling her/him with something that you’re not supposed to especially you just get to know that person and for me, it’s only okay if that person has no feeling to you AT ALL. 

killing me softly with slow internet speed

Top 10 things that I hate:

1. Slow internet speed (everyone does!)
2. Error occur after 2 hours waiting of downloading 1 episode of drama series
3. Laptop/PC takes ages to restore after an application/software crash or freeze for some times.
4. Games suddenly freeze after hours of playing and don’t even save it yet.
5. Windows update
6. Penang drivers. Like seriously. Also drivers that drive like crazy in the residential area (I hope there is a special place in hell for people like that)
7. Housemate forgot to flush after use the toilet. (Fuck them! I’m not their maid)
8. People that cut queue. Also rude people. Both of them can go to hell.
9. Suddenly hungry in the middle of night
10. False hope. (whoever did this to me, I swear to God I will hate him/her for lifetime)

Nota kaki:

I heard that maxis already updated to 4G and said that we can download full movie at 52 seconds. But since the system is under trial and it will be fully work before 2020. And that’s another 7 years! Lol Malaysia! We still have to pay high price for slow internet speed! Boohoos!

bad sensei dessu

Every 16^th of May, we will celebrate a day to honor our teacher. It’s already 5 years since I start teaching as my career; therefore it makes me become a part of this celebration too. Oh well, maybe the only difference is I don’t get lots of wishes from my previous students. I don’t mind actually in view of the fact that I have never been a good teacher. I used to downgrade my students as my style to motivate them (and still do) but they actually hate me for that. I still remember those 2 months when I had been a replacement teacher at the one of the private school in Damansara area. It was a tough job and I had lost my weight because of too much stress. To be honest, I don’t know how to handle children or high school students in a class. It’s really a hard job since the teacher has the minority power to totally control them unlike lecturer. Especially in this day where teachers can be convicted if they do something to the students such as slap or cane them. Speaking of punishment, I almost got convicted by one of my student’s parent that time because I put a duster on their son’s face.

Despite this job is so stressful, teaching is still my passion because it is a wonderful feeling when you can finally see someone that you guide has success in his/her life. It does not matter if you’re a teacher or lecturer, as long as you can guide someone till (s)he achieve her/his objective in life, you’re a hero to them. The only thing that we (teacher) want is to watch our student success but still a little appreciation like ‘thank you teacher’ in this special day really made our day sometimes. I still remember my last day at that school where there was some students hug me with tears and said how much they appreciate me even I was only teaching them for 2 months. (I almost cried too. Dammit ninja cutting onion!) Well, my point is if you still keep in touch with your teacher either on Fb or phone, do wish and thank them for teaching you. 

Heart - 1 Brain – 0

I know that I’m not the only one here who always have problem with heart and brain.  Last 2 night, I had not enough sleep because these two things kept argue with each other.

Brain: Okay. Let’s put the system in the sleep mode.

Heart: Wait…You should text…

Brain: Not going to happen, heart. Now, shut down your system! This is an order!

Heart: Meh. I don’t take order from you. I do have part in controlling the system too, remember?

Brain: God dammit you heart! Just go to sleep already!

Heart: Not until you send an impulse to hand and type that message.

Brain: Fine. What message?

Heart: You should let him know that you miss him.

Brain: Whaddafak you talking about? Is this another suicide?

Heart: Just send that damn message!

Brain: As you wish. But don’t blame me if you’re getting hurt again. *text send*

Heart: Oh goth! What have you done?

Brain: What have I done? You asked me to do that, you faking idiot!

Heart: How dare you call me that! Wait.. There is a message in.

Brain: *read the text* Okay. Are you happy now? Let’s…

Heart: Wait! Last message please…

Brain: You know, heart. If I could kill you, I would do that with pleasure.

*after send and receive last text*

Heart: Oh no, oh no! *start breaking*

Brain: See! I told ya! You are an idiot! I should really kill you now!

*All the system activate*

Brain: Looks like I can’t rest tonight. Mother father you, heart! I spit on your grave!

Moral of the story: Always let your brain win because heart sucks. The end.

Begin again

After 2 weeks stay at home, finally I’m back to the place that I hate and full of emptiness. I don’t have any choice than stay here until I finish my study. Since I’ve done nothing about my research these 2 weeks, therefore I’ve to start over again. Not only about my research, my life in here too. It’s like I’m back to my old life where no one taking care of me in here but me. It has been 10 months since I move here and still I don’t have any friends. Maybe I’m too scared of being hurt again, maybe I’m the one that keeps pushing people away from my life or maybe someone that suddenly walks into my life and said that he going to look after me just like other people that I know. Well, after all I’m the one that chooses this road. I’m okay this way since I’ve always been alone. In fact, we’re going to be all alone when we die. So, I’m just starting early. Like Paramore lyrics in their new album:

“Ain’t it fun living in the real world, ain’t it good being all alone”

“Because someday you’re gonna be, The only one you’ve got. Anklebiters! Anklebiters! Someday you’re gonna be alone!”

superwoman

Last five days, I had been a temporary full time housewife. I never imagine being a full time housewife since I am an ambitious woman. Well, it is not that hard especially if you start to adapt to this life. I think being a career and housewife more challenging and that's something that I will be someday. Even it is not that harder than I thought, but I was glad that I got a chance to be in my mom's shoes. Now I knew how it feels when I have to wake up early morning, prepare every meal for family, brainstorming menu to cook everyday, clean the house and take care of everybody in the house. It's really tiring sometimes but I feel happy when everyone enjoying and appreciate the meals that I had prepared. Still, doing the same things and having same routine everyday make me bored even it's only for five days. My mom does these things every day without complaining about anything. Seriously, how on the earth she does that? Anyway, she's a mother after all. Of course she can. These five days, I thought I had been a superwoman since I had done everything including study at night, but the truth is the real superwoman is a woman that raise me to become a superwoman. And she is a person that I love the most in this world. Happy mother's day. :)

Nota kaki:

For this special day, don't forget to thank your mother no matter how bad she is and whatever she had done to you, she's still the person that brought you into this world. Cheers!

.the sign.

Warning:

This entry content spoiler alert for himym this week episode. If you still don't watch it, please don't read. (But seriously, it's already past 4 days. Go watch it now, slowpoke!)

While I was driving in the middle of night after met my friend, I can't help but wonder about the universe sign. Some people look for the sign because they're not sure if it is a fate. Unfortunately, fate has sense of humor and no matter how hard you try to avoid it, sometimes you just can't. In himym episode this week, Robin tried to find a sign that could help her made a decision whether marrying Barney is the right thing to do. She spent few hours just to find her locket that she buried when she was teenager at the Central Park, NY. With a motivational support from Ted, she finally found the box without the locket in it and made she realized that she should not get married with Barney after all. But then, of course Ted helped her by giving inspirational speech as below:

"Maybe it is dumb to look at the sign from universe. Maybe universe had better things to do.

.

.

.

We don't need universe to tell us what we really want. Maybe we already know that. Deep down"

Well, Ted was right. Sometimes he is. I don't need a universe sign to tell me that I should focus with my study now. I should do that all the time because it is my responsibility as a student. I don't need a universe sign to tell me that a guy maybe my the one because I should know if he is. Like I always do. I have wrote an entry before this about running away not solving anything. Ironically, I'm the one that running away from my problems and my own feelings. I'm done with sign and running. From now on, I will try to let universe do its job and I just need to go on with my life without worrying about anything. At least I hope so.

that's what (s)he said...

I overheard a conversation between my two nieces today. One of them said something funny like "mana boleh cakap aku.nurul cakap berdosa tau" and I just laughed. To be fair, I have been just like my niece when I was her age. In fact, we all have. So naive and just believe everything that people told us. But when we grow up and become a mature young adult, we're not suppose to be like standard 2 students. Because we can search for the truth, fact and everything that we need in order to know if something that people told us is a lie or not. And most importantly, we can think perfectly since there are so many things we have learned. Still, there are some people that's for me are mature enough to think but they're nothing like standard 2 students, just believe everything that they read on the fb news feed or twitter timeline (something that people said that's not considered as a fact). I found a tweet that stated "Since we can't trust the national media anymore, therefore the only resource we have are from what people said". I couldn't agree with that logic even the part about not trusting the national media is true. Most of our media are bias but that does not mean that we should depend on one source only especially with technology on a tip of our fingers. Also, if I'm not mistaken, source from people is considered as a secondary source and sometimes it could not be taken as a source since people tend to add more stories in their own way.

So, in order to find the truth, why not you dig a deep hole before jump into a conclusion and by dig a deep hole I mean is by do some research through outside media or books and read more from both side instead of believe in a person or some people in a same side that have same story. Besides that, you might also want to use your brain to think and stimulate all the information so that it can be something brilliant and not something that as dumb as a hell. And these are all what I said.

tough life

This life has never been an easy way. Everyone has to struggle to survive and to be success in life. I have been struggling since I was a little kid. Most of my childhood time was a nightmare. I don't even remember most of them but it does make what I am now, a strong woman. It also makes me realize why I'm so deadly unemotional. But the sad part is watching someone becoming you and nothing you can do to stop that from happening. When my mom left me with my nephew and nieces, I realize something that we share in common. 

The story is a little bit different and it's not the same case but still these kids have a tough life and will be struggling like me till they grow up. They've been abandoned by their birth mother and their father just out from prison last year. And after few months enjoying his freedom, their father has spent more time playing video games than spending some times with his kids. They're lucky that they still got us: my mom, dad and my siblings. But the way my siblings treat them are just as same as we treat each other. No wonder they had been in silence every time I gave a ride to them to school. When I looked into my niece's eyes, I saw myself when I was her age. And it was a helpless feeling. I just hope that they will become stronger than me and not doing something stupid because they feel alone such as overdose pills like I used to do. 

"Life is rough so you gotta be tough" - Johnny Cash.

type R

On a scale of 0 to papa-g, how racist are you? If your answer is 0, then either you’re a good liar or you’re really a rare type of person. Most of the people have the R factor in themselves even if it is not to any races that available in the place/country, even they’re not showing them in their words or action, but it is there. After the election, a lot of racism posts come out in the social media. Everyone keeps talking about it like it is a new disease; indeed it has been existed a long time ago. For a country that has multiple races, we should avoid this discussion. It does not matter who starts it first. Especially we have a history about the tragedy involving fighting between two races. History has been told so that we learn from it and avoid the same thing from happened again. But it seems like some people are too paranoid and being dumb at the same time. They’re afraid that history will repeat itself, but then they’re the one that brings this sensitive issue come out. I wonder sometimes, maybe we have lived in peace for too long that make some people like to see and feel how is it like living in the chaos country...

free to fall?

According to Newton’s Law, force is equal to mass times gravity where we take as consideration that the free fall is due to gravity. Gravity makes everything on this earth fall. So do love. It is not any law in physic or science but it is a life theory. Human can fall in love and this fall apparently is not free. Feelings are free, but in the love case there is a price to pay. If you’re ready to fall in love, make sure you’re ready to get hurt too. For me, falling in love is the last thing I should do and it’s not even on my list. I can’t afford to fall in love because I don’t have time to be wasted anymore since I have to spend more time to be constantly in love with my study. And I've to admit that I’m scared to feel the pain again. We can’t choose the person that we want to fall in love with or avoid that feeling all the time. But we can choose whether to let the love that comes once in a while to just pass by or take a chance and pay whatever price it takes.