it's a final countdown!

2013 will be end in less than 2 weeks. Looking back on what I've done this year, it's like a dream or fantasy or both. I don't even realize in which world I was and how fast this year has gone. I have started this blog this year, in February to be exact. Also this year I have travel to four different places and I love them all. I have met so many strangers that finally became my friends. My best friends got married and engaged. I have written 3 papers and a book. And started my journey as a Pokemon trainer. That's too many to list on what 2013 had brought to me. But it was a good year though. Better than last year and last two years. These past two years were the rough years for me and I'm glad it was over. I know that 2014 will be better. Even so many prices will be increase next year, but I will make sure that I can finish my study on time and leave this country for good. That's the dream (Barney Stinson, 2013). So, for the beginning of 2014, I don't want to list down my resolutions. There is no more list. I will do whatever I feel like to do and live to the fullest. 

*2013 was the year that I finally move on from my previous relationship (after 2 years and something). Thanks to a guy that help me in doing so even he likes another girl. lol

*I'm glad that I wrote this blog, so that I can remember what happening all this year

*2014 will be a great year because of FIFA, bitches! It's a year that I will focus more on myself and my study. So, it will be less post in here.

*Still I don't want to think about getting married or having a relationship. (For the record, I have told my guy best friend about this and he asked me why and I told him that was because the world going to end soon. So why bother to get married or whatsoever. And he told me that this world not going to end and we're going back to ice age again. I was like wtf you're talking about.)

*This is the only post that I wrote whatever in my mind. Screw you, grammar!

See you guys in 2014. Happy new year in advance. :)

Thank God Its Friday The 13th! (Again)

Its been awhile I didn't open my tumblr account. I have this one post about friday the 13th that I love in there. So, I'm gonna share it in here. RIP tumblr account. *throw some flower petals*

*it's a good day to watch evil dead or marathon all the Jason series*

because I have so many times to waste...

It's a day after the 111213 date. I should have write something yesterday but I don't. It's been a week I have wasting my time again doing nothing and still. However, times will always flies and we only have less than 3 weeks before we end this 2013 year. Well, as usual I'm mumbling again. Ever since my last post in here, I have so many things to write but then I forgot. Maybe I should just write without thinking. Speaking of think, I always want to write about love, sex and marriage. These three things not bothering me at all but I have no clue why people around me keep talking about these. Yesterday, I had a conversation with my friend, a guy to be specific. He is on his way to meet his future in law this weekend. Like I give a damn at all, but the thing that's bothering me in our conversation was how he told me that I wouldn't leave a bedroom after I getting married. For god sake, marriage is not just about sex! Can't people sometimes use their brain? I'm not sure if he didn't mean what he said or he was just trying to use his lame sense of humor, but seriously. In another story, my mom had a visit to her hometown last weekend and she gossips about my cousin who is 6 years younger than me and having her second child now. I was just “wow, she has no life!”. It’s not like I questioning someone's fate that God has written or whatsoever. And I'm pretty sure that it is not fate at all. It's a choice that you made. In this case, she made. Lack of sex education in our country is one of the causes this such case happened. This is not my first cousin that pregnant before she gets married. Luckily, she doesn't drop her baby in a dustbin or bury it alive like most cases in the newspaper. 

I still remember, I have a best friend (a girl) and she does not know what a condom looks like. It's just shocking! I mean, it is okay to be naive sometimes but this kind of thing that will lead to this whole problem, don't you think? Sometimes loving someone too much and willing to give anything to her partner is another cause of this problem too. Believe me, I have seen some of these cases. So, having sex before getting married is quite normal in our society now even though it's not supposed to happen since this is not our culture and definitely a sin. But is by getting married will solve everything? If you ask me, I will simply answer no. I know some people that try to solve this kind of problem by getting married. And some of them suffer because they're not ready to start a family. Worse, they have a baby right after they get married (on a first trial probably, lol). In this kind of case, should we blame fate too? Sometimes I feel how lucky I am because I am not involved with any of these no matter how alone I look. It's not wrong to fall in love and of course when you love someone, you want to have sex and get married. But please use brain before do anything stupid because once you took a wrong step, you never can't turn it back. (I still don't know why I give an advice at the end of my post. haha)

when feel lonely, just sing a song.

There was an incident in himym episode. I couldn't recall which but definitely Ted Mosby part. And then there was this song played in the background. It's from Wilco, "How to Fight Loneliness". The lyrics is actually like a step telling you what to do when you feel lonely. 

How to fight loneliness
Smile all the timeShine you teeth til meaninglessSharpen them with lies
And whatevers going downWill follow you aroundThats how you fight lonelinessYou laugh at every jokeDrag your blanket blindlyFill your heart with smokeAnd the first thing that you wantWill be the last thing you ever needThats how you fight it
Just smile all the time

Well, I do feel lonely sometimes especially when I'm in here since I don't socialize much and got not much friends nor family. But for sure, I didn't do anything like in that lyrics. Geez. Plus, I got my new bff now. Yup... 

you think you're better than me?!

There must be someone or perhaps some people in your life that think he/she better than anyone else. If no, maybe you're that person. Well, in my case, I have two of those in my family and a few of them in my friends' list. Seriously this type of person is fucking annoying. I'm literally imagining that I can bitch slap him/her in my mind while he/she is talking. Like he/she is the best and others just some shit. There was an incident last week where I went out with this friend of mine and he managed to make me felt down about my book and my study. Yes, I wrote a book and now I kinda regret sending it to a publisher because I think it's just a piece of rubbish that someone would regret buy it or probably the best joke ever on me. I do really feel bad about the book since he talked to me like "why your book title sounds like a journal paper?" and I just smiled without saying any word. In my head I was saying to myself "well that because it was a journal paper that turn out to be a book because the publisher wants me to do so" But of course I have no guts to tell him that because unlike him, I always think I'm not good enough and my research is just another piece of shit too. 

Why people do this? Make themselves feel so good and look down to everyone else until they lost their motivation. Maybe it is not their intention to make people down but the way they said about themselves like they're better than anyone else and to win an argument all the time do make people down. Like another case where my sister and also a friend of mine that always love to correct my pronunciation. It's good if they really want to correct it without making you feel bad about yourself. But every time when I pronounced some words wrongly, they sometimes said something mean and made me feel like they're are saying shut the fuck up and just talk in your mother tongue language. Well, that's another reason why our race is not getting better. I feel more comfortable speaking in English with strangers especially tourist than speak with someone that I know because people that we know do make fun when we do or say something wrong instead of courage us to be better. Maybe it's a karma after all because I did this to my students that's not very good in math even though my intention was to motivate them. And the truth is not everyone can turn a criticism to a motivation especially people that's easy to lose motivation like me. Since I felt like karma hit me with a big car, I think I would stop doing that to others. It's not cool, bro. If you think you're better than everyone else, just think that there is always someone out there that is better than you. The end.

lost the battle, win the war

It has been four days since I came back home from Penang. I came back for one purpose actually which was to win the war after I lost in the last battle that I had with that bitch. Anyway, things are different now. I'm not fighting in any battle or war anymore. And yup, I'm giving up just like that. But why? I sound so energetic and full with revenge in my previous post. Why I'm giving up? First, when I came home four days ago, I thought (well, I imagine in my head actually) that my family will give me a full support and perhaps a hug that I really needed (who I'm kidding). In reality, they didn't give a damn at all. Not even a word. To make it worse, they made a joke of me (why I'm not surprised). For a moment, I forgot that I have lived with my emotionless siblings for twenty-six years. Seriously, what did I expect? A hug? Really? Since I was all alone in this war and the only people that support me behind my back were 2-3 of my friends, therefore I thought it's for the best if I just gave up instead of fighting back. It made me think that sometimes it's not about things that we lost; like in my case I had lost some money, times, anger and rationality, and winning a fight or an argument. It's about who will always be by your side, people that have your back and how strong are you as a person. Giving up in a war that's not worth your fight or times does not mean you're a weak, coward or quitter. Sometimes it is better to just let it go and start fresh and made your mistakes as a lesson in this life.      

worst month of the year

It's 3rd of November today and still not a good starting month for me. How should I say this. I'm not usually writing about my problems here as this blog is not my personal diary (or did I?). But I guess I can make a story out of my life experience. Remember how I used to be so optimistic in this blog and said all the crap (motivational stuff) to others? Guess what? Those words are not working on me. I don't even know the girl who wrote such things. Does she exist in real life? Or it just Carrie Ann that happens to be a part of me that I couldn't see. Anyway, that wasn't a story that I want to share. To make this post short, I had been fooled by someone on the internet. Not Twitter or Facebook but on the advertisement site. I'm pretty sure that it wasn't a new story since everyday, a lot of people had been fooled online. What made this story different from others is I wasn't trying to buy anything online. I just want to find a room to stay for a couple of months before I finish my study. I did this 2 times before and so far I got lucky because my previous two landlords didn't lie to me. But not for the third time. That bitch had lied to me and now I'm officially homeless with flu attacked (I got this 2 days ago. Geez! Thanks, November!) since I have no place to stay (except I still stay at the old place without paying any rent). 

My advice here, don't trust people on the internet especially when it involves money in whatever case. Secondly, make sure if you want to stay a room, you go and see the place first and the owner before pay any deposit or rental. Also, there are lots of scam on ibilik.my so be careful, okay! Lastly, if you have been fooled like me and out of idea what to do to get your money back, you can refer to this procedure from this link, and now you can get what you lost back. The important thing here, in this scenario, besides you can detect who is your real friend, you can also fight for whatever people did to you. Do not just give up and let that son of a bitch win. Since I am not a really good girl that forgive and forget what others did to me easily, therefore I am out for blood now. And hopefully others that being fooled like me, fight for your right too.

To believe I walk alone is a lie that I've been told

I don't like counting even I am a math student. Counting days especially. Or counting something that comes and go like friends. Today I met another two friends that I knew from Twitter. It's a good thing though to have more people that we know in this life and not stick with a circle only. I love to get to know others even sometimes I didn't know how to start a conversation. I guess it's just another reason why I love to be a lecturer and traveler. Speaking of counting, I'm still counting on my thoughts whether I should buy a Nintendo 3DS or PS4. Goddamnit! I don't know how I end up like this. I mean, earlier this year I wrote a few things in my notes like I should buy a bicycle and find a guy so that I can get engaged before the end of this year. And 2 months before the end of this year, all I ever wonder is about games and having fun. I just don't think about bicycle, healthy lifestyle or serious relationship anymore. In fact, I start not to think about those at all. Hey, who needs feelings when you have video games, right? Yup. And a good thing today that I had finally set my mind that I should focus on these three things only which are study, video games and Europe trip. Also, to face a fact that my life isn't normal like others since I'm not normal too. Normal is boring after all. So, maybe sometimes you just need to stop thinking too much what to do with life, stop planning or write something bullshit like getting engaged (seriously Azu?) and stop comparing others life with yours. Cause your story meant to be different with others and having a crazy messy story is the best thing that someone should have instead of a plain straight story which is not fun at all.  

me and fantasy, you and your memory

Another exhausting weekend just over. Now, I can finally sit down and start doing my work. Past three days I had been busy with my own schedule like always be by her side on my best friend's wedding and had a night out with another guy best friend for his own bachelor party. Well, it's not really a party since it's only two of us. But that night, I had realized something which was I have been living in my fantasy world for quite a long time. I should know that fantasy will never be as same as reality. I really hope someone should tell me that though. Well, I started to realize that fact when his bachelor party turns out not like what I had been fantasizing in my head. I really felt sorry for him since I'm that lame girl that didn't know how to have fun. I thought I knew since in my fantasy world, I'm that fun girl and really good with flirting. But yeah, in the real world I just a numb girl with emotionless where in the club that full with people dancing and flirting, while I just sat there and watched others having fun. I always wonder how it was like going to clubs. That night, he brought me to the place that I have never ever been in my life and thank God I didn't like that place. It wasn't like some place that I have been fantasizing. Well, for me it's sucks. Ever since that night, I started to see all the reality and leave my fantasy world, slowly. The next day was my best friend's wedding. Being by her side and watched all this wedding process made me felt like I just woke up from a long sleep. It was like someone slapped me hardly on my face and told me that I will never ever got what I had been fantasizing including my own fantasy wedding. Nope, especially that! Geez, reality sucks! I hate reality. Why I have to live in this world where we can't get what we want in a way that we want it without care about others opinion or let others interfere with our own fucking life. I don't want to leave my fantasy world even I know I can't be the coolest girl like what I have been fantasizing forever. And to face the fact that I will turn 27 next year. Seriously, life. If this the lemon you give to me, I will be honored to throw it backs on your face! (If only life has a face)

Nota kaki:
Carrie Ann, the other side of me who is live in a parallel universe. The coolest girl I have ever known. She's really good at playing video games and fucking talented in music. She plays guitar and keyboard. Her voice is just lovely. Outside, she is really feminine and she really knows how to dress to kill. Literally. She really loves to kill others especially bad people. Her favorite weapon is metal bat. She carries that stuff around in her backpack. (She hates designer handbag just like I do). Both of us have same interest but she is cooler and more talented than me. She is that girl who's know how to have fun. Sadly, she doesn't exist. IN REALITY.  

"Shit! I should write a fiction novel." 

seriously, where the fuck is 2013?

2013 is not over yet but I think I just blink and here I am in the middle of the tenth month of 2013. This evening, I walked Hariz to the playground. While looking at him running, I can't help to think about times all over again. Did this kid grow up too fast? I still remember I pushed him in the stroller around this neighborhood while he looked around and made a straight face questioning all things that he saw that evening. After a while, he started learning to walk by himself and today he didn't need my hand to hold anymore. He can ran and talked even I still can't understand a word he saying. And next year, Hariz will have lil bro/sis. As the times passed by, I still as same as the old me and not even a single thing changing. While my friends are struggling to save money for their own wedding, here I am struggling saving money to travel to Europe next year and now wondering if I could use some of my savings to buy games. Next year I will be 27 and I don't even think about marrying someone? Hory facku! There must be something wrong with me. 

Counting:

2 days before the big wedding (my best friend's wedding)

13 days before November and I'll be dead

32 days before NFS Rivals release

If I have Aiden, I don't give a damn about the one anymore

You know how irony it is when I said I don't want to talk about the one anymore, but hey...look, I am talking about it now. Just maybe this time is different because it is not related to me much but I'm about to share something related to video games that I had played yesterday and Once Upon A Time new episode this week. In this week's episode, the story was about Regina met Thinker Bell and how she made Thinker suffered without her power. But that wasn't the highlight of this episode. Regina who had fallen apart after the love of her life died, refused to accept new love from anyone even she was about to meet her soul mate with the help from Tinker Bell. Apparently not Regina only that scared to meet her the one, others people that I know and me too. It was not easy to fall in love again after we lost in the battlefield where we thought that the person was our the one and had given full heart to him/her. Afraid of getting hurt again or not getting the same feeling as before are also the X-factors. For me myself, I am still not moving on from the big-one as that's what people called. Anyway, I don't want to end up like Regina who is alone because she is too afraid to find her own happy ending even someone had shown her the way. I also don't want to end up like Mulan who was too late to tell her feelings to someone she loves. As Neil said that love is meant to say not to keep (but maybe sometimes it is better not to say). 

Oh btw, the video games that I mention in the title above is Beyond: Two Souls. You can read all the details in here And yes that games has the best graphic so far. The graphic is so mind blowing that you think you're watching a movie instead of playing video games. I just can't help but love it so much. (Even though I'm still noob in this games) Lol.

.Jodie.

you are what you write

Today will be the last day I'll be a curator for twtupcampus account. It was fun, boring and exciting at the same times. Fun when I get the opportunity to know more people and not just students. I have made some friends there and we all have a few similarities too. Boring when you out of idea what to write or say in there. Exciting when you got too many reactions from different type of people. Speaking of writing, I may have written some stupid stuffs on my personal account this lately. I don't know why I lost myself again. I often do this, keep losing myself, losing faith and then someone's made me realize that I have to be me again. The question is I don't even know myself. Am I that type of person on the Twitter or I just someone else that I pretend to be on the Twitter? We all know that on the internet, we often miss identity and usually be a different person than we are in the real world. But somehow people still judging you by what you write on the internet like they already know everything about you and your story. So, no people. I am not what I write, including on this blog.   

I guess I just miss you, melbourne

Last month in the 'we're all the traveler' post, I promised to tell more about my trip in Australia. Sydney and Melbourne to be exact. But, what to tell except I have fallen for Melbourne. Oh, yes and my backpacking trip seems not so interesting because of my sister. Thank God that this will be my last trip with her (hope that she will not read this). Any who, since pictures speak a thousand words, I'm going to post some awesome shot that I had snapped in both cities. 

I will come back soon, Melbourne. Cross my heart, till I die. 

for an optimist, I’m pretty pessimistic

I don't know but somehow I can't forget about what had happened between me and him. I'm afraid to say that if I have fallen in love again. I just hate it when I am so easy to fall in love and yet too scared to admit it. Scared of losing him as my friend, scared of ruin this friendship and scared that maybe he does not feel the same way as I do. But I have to admit though that I am so happy every minutes I have spent with him. Even though he quite mean sometimes but he really knows how to make me smile. I just can't help being a woman, like wondering if this is the right thing to do. To keep this feeling growing inside me and it might kill me later. I wonder too if he likes me, probably our relationship will not end up well. Geez! Sometimes I just wish that I am a man. Don't have to wonder about all these stupid things. Maybe I should just enjoy every moment spent and ignore all this. 

we’re the travelers

Hey, blog! It feels like ages I haven’t updated anything in here. Lots of things had been happening this lately with the world issues that seem to never have any happy ending and currency issues that had occurred in Asia which I’d have to catch up since my research is related with it. Anyway, I’m not here to write about that. These past weeks, I had been travelling to three different places. It was fun, exhausted and stressed at the same time. The best thing about travelling besides we can see new place and learn about different cultures is we have an opportunity to meet new people. I have met lots of new people and most of them share the same interest with me which we love to travel. Last week I was in Bangkok and a week before that I had been to Sydney and Melbourne. Between these three cities, I must say that Melbourne was the only city that can make me like fall in love all over again. I love everything in there. The delicious food, the arts, the friendly people and the euro style environment. I would write all about these stories in another post. For now, I would like to share more about the people that I met along my way. 

Since I had stayed in backpackers' hostels in Sydney and Melbourne, I had the chance to mingle around people that stay there. There was not much of mingling around but I still manage to have a chat with one Canadian and some of people that mostly from Europe countries. Most of them travel and work at the same time. They have to work to make sure they have enough money to go to their next destination. Geez, how I wish I can live like that. So, basically it’s not too late to start anything in life. Since it’s too late to regret the decision that I had made by further my study in here, I might want to travel around Europe after I finish this whole shit. There… I said it. Oh, almost forgot about this one Makcik that I met at the Penang Airport last week before I took off to LCCT and then to Bangkok. That makcik was super awesome because she’s still travelling and works at the same time even though she’s probably too old for that. But since that makcik can do it, so why can’t I? Right? It was proofs that it’s never too late for anything evens you have your family (but not a career maybe). Well, one thing for sure, I will keep travel regardless how old I am without give a damn what people thought about me (if I’m not married) and I hope one day I can stay in Melbourne for good.    

I can't believe I still have time to write this [spoiler alert]

Last 16th August was the premiere of the Kick-Ass 2 movie which of course not in my country because here we can only watch it starting on the 29th of August (another week to go). Since I can't wait to watch it in the cinema, I already watched it online last 2 days. Here are my comments. After reading Hit-Girl and Kick-Ass comics for two nights in a row (yes, I watched the movie first then read the comics. So?), I found that Kick-Ass 1 is more interesting than the sequel. This is probably the same as the wolverine movie which everyone kept saying that the sequel was bored to death but my sister and I found that it was not that bad. It was okay after all and I still can't find which part bored them to death. Back to Kick-Ass 2, as being obviously stated on the poster, this movie not only based on Kick-Ass volume 2 comics, it is also based on Hit-Girl comics. (Kick-Ass 2: prequel Hit-Girl). So, similar to other superhero movies that based on comics or movies that based on novels, Kick-Ass 2 also not exactly 100% as same as their comics. After her dad's die, Mindy had to stay with Marcus (in comics, he has a wife) and she had promised him to stay away from Hit-Girl suit. Thus, there were not much of Hit-Girl actions (if you plan to watch this in the cinema just to watch Hit Girl's violence) and she's too busy fighting bitches in her school instead of fight criminals. The rest of the story was quite the same as the comics where Kick-Ass kept his ass busy finding other superheroes for team up and the climax of the story is when superheroes meet super-villains. Well, it is still a recommended to watch but not sure if it is worth your money if you want to spend it watch in the cinema.     

   

untitled

It's still Syawal and we have been celebrated Eid ul-Fitr for almost 2 weeks. A month where most of us seek for forgiveness and forgive each other; which keep me wonder if we really mean by what we said "please forgive me", "sorry for everything that I've done" and "I forgive you". I've seen among my siblings that we said sorry to each other and then the next day, we hurt each other and talk bad behind each other again. It's like we just said sorry for the sake of tradition or trend and don't really mean it. Or on another side, we just wear a mask and forgive others while inside, we really hate that person and never forgive him/her with all of our heart. After all, we all wear masks and only show our real face sometimes. Put the mask on, fake the smile and say nice thing to each other. Is that what we have been doing every day? Some of us wear masks just to make others love them. The truth is not everyone prefers you to be yourself.

“We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin.” - Andre Berthiaume

hey, miss me?

It has been, yeah, quite a long time. So, for those following my blog updates, I'm sorry for not updating any entry this lately. I have been busy finishing my journal and now I have a book to write. I have a few entries to share but maybe I will post it later. For this time being, how about I keep you guys missing me like Annabelle.  

Hit me with your best shot

There is still half an hour left before the end of the seventh month of 2013. This month had been a controversy month, I must say. Too many things happened especially people kill others with gun everywhere. Its like a sick trend. No safe haven in our own nation anymore. But hey! Be grateful okay. We still live in peace. Heh.

Tik tok

Another 4 days left before people can start sending another hope to another new month; less than 2 weeks left for Muslim to celebrate Aidilfitri; another 5 days left before I’ll pack my bag and stuff and leave this apartment forever. I still can’t believe those 8 months already gone. I still felt like it was yesterday. Time isn't flying anymore. It moves faster than that and soon we will not even realize that we are going to celebrate 2020 New Year’s Eve. As I sit here wondering and writing about time while watching all my stuff in the boxes as the time pass by, I also realize that’s mean I only have less than a year to complete my study. Oh dear! My heart beats fast and my stomach is hurting every time my head starts to think about the future. It’s like some kind of allergies, you know. Ah, how I wish I can slow down the rotation of the earth right now. Makes a day longer like it used to. And make it 30 hours or more in a day instead of 23.8.

you said yes, i said no, potato, poteto

Have you ever felt so lonely,

You have crickets in your stomach instead of butterflies?

Have you ever felt so giving up,

You decide to take a nap instead of fight back?

Have you ever felt so alone,

Your best friend is your bedroom wall?

Have you ever felt so mad,

You can kill a Kaiju with your bare hands after you turn into hulk?

Have you ever felt so sad,

You pay to cry on the stripper’s shoulder?

Have you ever felt so lonely,

You ask a homeless if he wanna go on a date?

Have you ever felt so lazy,

You prefer to stay hungry and let the hunger games begin?

Have you ever felt so happy,

You make an announcement to tell everyone by using the mosque speaker?  

Have you ever felt so boring,

You type this type of entry on your blog?

keep calm and carry on, crayon, cry on.

I got 3 datelines before a long holiday,

I need motivation to keep on moving,

There is no time to be lazy anymore,

Carry on, carry on.

PhD comics

*mine mostly written in tears and coffee.

hope wounds heal, but it never does

Part III

She’s staring at her laptop screen without realizing that it has been past half an hour she had done that. She lost; her mind, her body and her soul. Too many problems on her shoulder and she does not even know where should her begin. It has been a month and a half since she had left him for good. Now, she realizes that she is not just empty inside but full with pain too. She had changed ever since that. She has lost her emotion, motivation and even herself. It’s not because of him. It’s because something that she could not discover the reason why she has become someone that she does not even know. And now, she has to face another problem. The one that she hated the most: her family problems. She has not done with her study and other problems that she has yet. She could not take it. She is not that strong. That strong girl inside her has lost ever since she met him.

Her family is something that she could not understand even until she has been a grown up woman now. She has siblings that never share stories or problems with each other, but only talks about each other behind each other back. She wishes she could call an intervention one day and let everyone in her family talk about what they don’t like with other family members face to face and not behind anyone’s back. But deep inside, she knows that would not be happening even in her dream. That’s why she used to be a person that doesn’t know how to share her problems and her pains with others, and still. She wonders if one day she will meet someone that will change this thing and make her share every single problem and pain that she has. But for now, she just can hope and wish. That’s the only thing that people can do at least when they know nothing they could do anymore.   

I hope Kaiju steps on you!

It’s hard to control your anger sometimes. I often lost mine especially when driving (most of the time actually), in class when my students didn’t listen to me and when someone annoyed me. It’s even harder to control your anger especially for women when they in pre-menstrual or menstrual period. Whenever I feel angry with someone, I usually stay away from that person and keep in silence till I’m okay. When I have my PMS, it’s the best for me to stay away from everyone since I usually feel that everyone is annoying during that time. It is important for us to do this precaution step since we wouldn’t know what we might do or say when we lost our temper to someone. We might say something bad that will hurt someone’s feeling and ruin our friendship or relationship with that person. Even sometimes I am so angry that I can imagine I stab that person million times in my head, I still hope that I would not do any stupid thing just because I can’t control my anger.

Therefore guys, it is really important to know how to control your anger which is in simple words: anger management. So, next time when you feel angry with someone online, feel free to log off and ignore whatever that person said; and when you feel angry with someone in person, don’t forget to count till 10. If it doesn’t work, count till hundreds or thousands. Or else just bitch slap that person (just kidding). 

Accept H0, Reject H1

Rejection is among the worst thing in life. For examples: your paper or your work that you hope will get accepted, but then you receive an email that it’s been rejected; a guy or girl that you have adored for a long time rejects you because he/she doesn’t have a same feeling as yours; you wanted a job so much but then you’re not selected because you aren’t good enough. All of these lead to disappointment. But if you got rejected over and over again, you might feel like it is nothing anymore. Like you have adapted with disappoint of being rejected. And eventually, maybe you will give up on keep trying. That’s what I felt actually. By the time I wrote this entry, I felt half of me have given up on trying. I do not talk about feelings here. Yesterday, I had received another feedback from another organization that had been rejected my journal. It had been rejected AGAIN. I don’t know how many times including this. I felt like I should move on, write a new journal to submit and just ignore the first journal that I ever did.

But something has made me wonder like rejection should make you weak or make you stronger? For the optimist, they might turn the rejection into something that will motivate them to be better than before. So, if I am giving up now, does it makes me a pessimist? *that is not a question actually*

guess who's back?

I saw someone post on fb last week about the new film of Chuckie. Yup, that evil doll that kills people from Child's Play movie. He's back with his curse which make it will be its 6th movie (its official website). I still remember when I was a little kid watching Child's Play 1 and 2 with my whole family which were out in 1988 and 1990. That was 23 years ago (damn! I feel ancient). I always love horror and thriller movies. In fact, my whole family members too. While others grow up with Harry Potter movies, I grow up with Child's Play, gremlin, SAW, jaws, piranha and lots more. Any movies that related to kill human brutally and supernatural will be our favorite. That's why sometimes when I watch this type of movie at the cinema; it will become a comedy movie for me because I will start laughing whenever I hear anyone screaming. Anyway, this new Chuckie movie will not out in nearest cinema which means I only can watch it online. Unfortunately this movie is not something that I look forward to watch since its 4th and 5th movies were quite nonsense and rubbish to me. I am looking forward to watch 'The Conjuring' and 'Insidious 2' at the cinema this coming August and October. I just watched 'The Conjuring' trailer yesterday and I really can't wait to watch it on the premier day.  

Joke of the day

Today my timeline was full with alkhodafi energy water jokes. Well, thanks to whoever invented that product, I had a great day laughing while online on Twitter for a whole day. But seriously, people who use religion to sell their products and get profit out of it should be ashamed of themselves. May they rot in the hell. This is not a new thing actually. There was other drinking water too before alkhodafi. Just the different is alkhodafi too ridiculous and I feel sorry for those idiots that believe and buy their product. Like seriously. Who would fall for water that made by termites nest and miracle mushroom. Even read the ingredients make me laugh. Hopefully responsible party would take action on these types of people. Anyway, thanks for made my day. Haha...

after a hundred...

I have started writing on this blog since middle February this year and now it’s already reach hundred posts. Well, to be honest I have nothing much to write this lately especially during the fasting month. It’s like I spending more time sleeping and doing nothing than being productive. I even forgot that I am too far from my dateline and it has been three months since I am saying I am gonna finish up my journal by the end of certain month. This is what I've been when too long be in the comfort zone. I need to work out my lazy ass because if I keep telling myself that I've enough time (even I don’t have it anymore now) I will eventually have to extend my study.  

Error 404 Soulmate Not Found

When I was in Singapore last week, I met a woman from the Philippines and we become friends. She's almost two times my age and still single. Since I am not seeing anyone at this time, we did have a conversation about my favorite topic which is I wrote a lot on this blog, soulmate or the one. Since I don't ever mention it, yes my dear, not everyone has soulmate. To be more accurate, the terms we born with a partner or there is a soulmate for everyone is a bullshit. Not everyone has it. I forget that there are some people dying as a single person, not married and not even has the opportunity to meet his/her the one before he/she dies. Also, there are some people that grow old alone. Well maybe he/she pet a cat or a dog, but still. Or in another case, he/she did get married but then they separate and choose to live with his/her kids until the end of his/her life. So, not everyone has a happy ending in their story and the reality of life will not always as same as what we saw in the movie. I try to be optimistic but sometimes live as a pessimist is a good choice too since we have to be real instead of keep dreaming or waiting for something that is unsure. And yup, I wrote this kind of negative entry because I am sick with some of my friends that keep telling me shit like "you're gonna meet someone someday". I am so over the one. I have to realize that I am no Ted Mosby and my life is not based on himym series (even that series will end next year).

slowpoke, is that me?

The cup song had been popular on the internet since a year ago but I think I am the only one that just watched it last few days. Honestly speaking, I never heard about 'Pitch Perfect' movie until my friends told me when we hang out past two weekends. Yeah, I really am that slowpoke. At this time, I had fell in love with that song and will practice doing it as my new hobby. Heh.

even 7 years old can sing this song perfectly...

This is memory lane!

It has been two days since I have no feeling to do something. By something I mean studying, going out with my friends, writing an entry on this blog also updating status on my Twidder account. So today, I decided to organize my things that I put in the store and threw away some of the things from my past. Some memories are made to be remembered which means we don't have to keep every single thing as a reminder about that memory. I wonder why I still kept some of the things that I gave to him and then when everything was over, he gave them back to me. The T-shirt, cards, photo, tie and wallet. I did throw some but the rest; I didn't know why I still can't. It's like a part of me still want to keep that stuff as a reminder that I used to love someone more than myself and it was the only love in my life, I used to be so happy not like I am today and I still can't get over him no matter how hard I try. I knew that even I threw these things, those memories are still there. Sometimes I just wish that I can format my memory card inside my brain or delete some folders that contain memories that I don't need, so that I can create new memories or fill it with lots of formula instead of pictures about some people that I want to forget.  

when nothing goes right, turn left

Last Wednesday, I had been to Singapore for a conference for 3 days. The first day when I arrived there, I had a problem in finding the hostel that I'm going to stay. Looks like I never learnt from what had happened in Japan last year. Kids, never put 100% trust on Google maps when you're travelling outside of your country especially if you're all alone. Because of that mistake, I had lost for almost 5 hours. I did ask for directions, but some of the people that I asked didn't know about that place. I almost gave up and I felt like wanna sit and cry on the roadside because I was so exhausted. That time the only thing in my head was how good to be in your own country. Even there is something that you don't like about your country but somehow at that moment, I just realize that it is still a better place than any other place in this world. 

Eventually, I managed to find that place after a long journey. It was pretty exhausting but when I think about it back, it was good to be lost. I had learnt not to give up no matter how tired I was. It's just as same as our life journey actually. We're all alone and sometimes we get lost in finding the right path. We can ask for directions and seek for the signs. As long as we never give up on what we believe and finish up something that we have started, we will eventually find what we're seeking for. So, it's okay to be lost sometimes. That's how you will learn how to be strong, when to give up, who to trust and also you can meet new people. Yes, it can be so depressing especially when you carry a heavy bag on your shoulder. The heavy bag can represents your problems or emotional luggage. Either way, you can turn the hard situation to be something fun. It's all up to you and your perspective.   

just say "NO"

One of the reasons why I hate being a woman is a woman's heart is really that easy to manipulate. I'm not sure whether it is our heart or our brain but still...okay, the story is I had been fooled again yesterday. I don't even know how many times including this I had been in the situation where there were some people that told me some lies in order to get my money. The bad thing is whenever I had realized this thing happened to me again, I can't help but be so mad with myself. After that, I will keep regretting everything that had happened and keep telling myself why on the earth I can't just say no to that kind of people before they open their bloody mouth. I hope this will be the last incident and I will try to train my heart and my brain to not so easily fall for others lie and hope my brain will help me to process the words "NO, thanks. Now get the hell out of my way".

Nota kaki:

What had happened exactly was I went to the Ampang Park yesterday to change my money. There was a woman with a man that suddenly pulled my arms and dragged me and my friend to test their product. After she promoted her product, she sold it with a higher price and then low it down a little bit to make it sounds "Hey, I gave special price just for you". Then, you just realized you were forced to buy their product with still a higher price. How did I know that? Because my mom coincidentally had been in the same situation but she bought those 2 for RM15 while I bought 3 for RM40. Bloody hell! So, just to share with you guys, run when you see this type of people. Or else, please do me a favor by say no out loud in front of their faking face.

create a playlist, put them on shuffle and skip all the songs

This is not a sequel from previous entry even it is still about how to get yourself motivated. Alright then, since I have wrote 3 paragraphs long about it, now let me share some songs that you can listen to if you feel a little bit down or have a rough day. This is what I do after all and I just want to share songs that I listen to.

1. Meant to live - Switchfoot
2. I dare you to move - Switchfoot
3. Ain't it fun - Paramore
4. Anklebiters - Paramore
5. Hello cold world - Paramore
6. Misguided ghost - Paramore
7. Carry on - fun.
8. All these things that I've done - the Killers
9. Crumbs - Disagree
10. Nobody's fool - Avril Lavigne
11. Freak out - Avril Lavigne
12. Good life - One Republic
13. Hold on - Good Charlotte
14. How to safe a life - the Fray
15. The middle - Jimmy Eat World
16. Move along - All American Rejects
17. Pieces - Sum41
18. You only live once - the Strokes
19. Stop crying your heart out - Oasis
20. 21 guns - Greenday
21. Alive - POD
22. Escape - Metallica
23. Optimistic - Radiohead
24. You can't always get what you want - the Rolling Stones
25. Everything's magic - Angels & Airwaves
26. Standing in the eyes of the world - Ella
27. Have a nice day - Bon Jovi
28. It's my life - Bon Jovi
29. Always look on the bright side of life - Monty Phyton
30. Shadow of the day - Linkin Park

More than a litre of tears

Today is the six times I have been to this hospital doing my volunteer job. I really love working in here and helping people. Sometimes I have to help HR people doing their management works; sometimes I have to help the dietitian distributes the meals to the patients since they lack of staff nurse; but most of the times I will be in the day-chemo ward helping for the registration of the patients. From those three different works that I have done, I really love distribute meals to the patient. Doing a volunteering job in here made me realize that some people are struggling, like really struggle to fight the disease to continue their life. Meanwhile there are some people in this world just give up with their life so easily because life is too hard for them.

I am not one of those people that have cancer but I do know one of them and she is my eldest sister. I have watched her struggle and being strong all the time although I have said it sometimes that being strong all the times is not an easy task to do. It’s really tiring especially when you have to do it all alone without any support. And by alone I mean she never share about her disease with others. I only heard about her disease once when she was talking with her friend. I still remember 6 years back when she got the news that she had this disease. Everyone was so sad and that time, how I wish I was the one that had the disease instead of her. A fortnight ago, she asked me to accompany her to some place and she was driving that night since I can’t drive her car. That night, I saw her disease attacked her while she was driving and we were so close to get hit by a car. I was so panic and didn’t know what to do that time while other drivers kept push their horn to us. Now I knew how she had accidents for several times before and it really not a good idea to let her drive again.

There was a really good friend of mine asked me once, “Do God gives us a test that we can’t handle?” My answer is no. If it is yes, then I probably will be dead by now. Even though I don’t have any cancer, I have to say that I have gone through a tough life, mostly alone. After all, that’s why I do all this volunteering thing. It made me realize that there are many others out there that have a bigger test than mine and instead of giving up, they’re fighting to the death. We need to prove to the world that we’re not a survivor but a fighter. No matter how hard life will be, we need to keep fighting because that’s life. It's never going to be easy and always remember my old sport, every time when you feel down because of the small test that God gives to you, there are people out there have a bigger test than yours. Some people are alone while fighting with their past, some people are fighting with their disease, some people are homeless and fighting with everything. There is always a litre of tears because we’re human, we’re weak. It doesn’t matter how many litre of tears you have on your pillow or on someone’s shoulder, as long as you will get stronger the next day and face the world while say it out loud “Bring it on, life!”   

woke up this morning and I thought I was in Silence Hill

It's 1 o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep. I want to write something deep but my fingers didn't allow me. Maybe in the next entry. So, here I am staring at my old pictures that I had taken a long time ago. Goth, I really miss taking pictures using dslr instead of using camera on my phone without any filter. I realize that I rarely do take pictures like others since I don't have any instagram account. Flickr FTW!!! (Yeah, I'm a hipster).

Langkawi beach

Aquaria in Japan

Langkawi again

Seoul, Korea

you only love once

It’s haze out there and I’m here talking about love. Well, in my defense, love isn’t in the air anymore since air is polluted. Okay, not funny. There are some lucky bastards in this world that only love for once in their lifetime. They meet their first love, be in a relationship for ages, get married and live together till they die. Now, ladies and gentleman, that’s what we called as a true love. Not many of us have it. Sometimes, when I look at this kind of couple, I really envy of them. I want that.  Relationship that last forever, still holding hands even getting older and their love for each other never fade away. They go through everything in this life together and don’t really care if they don’t have luxury car or vacation oversea every year; as long as they have each other and they’re happy. I have seen some of them, and one of my sisters has it. So, technically there is a couple like Lily and Marshall in this real world. It is not fictional and as much as I want it, I already fall in love too many times until I don’t feel anything for this time being.  

let’s rob a bank!

Two days ago, Linkin Park concert ticket prices were out. When I looked at the prices, it made me wish that I am rich. Unfortunately, I am not and I have to forget about going to the concert. But seriously though, the prices of the ticket are insanely expensive compare to the other concerts that I had been. RM450 for rock zone and RM350 for playground zone!!!! (I don’t even understand why they named it playground zone. Is there any slide or swing at that zone?) Last concert that I had been was Paramore and that was like 4 months ago. I was standing at the rock zone and the price of the ticket was 3 times cheaper than the LP. Maybe the difference is because of the different organizer but still… If they want to charge higher on the ticket prices, well at least find a better location for the concert. Bukit Jalil Stadium is not a proper place to carry out a concert. Yeah, there are many LP fans in here compared to Paramore. I get that. I had been a concert that held there once and that was a Paramore first concert. I almost fell from the chair because that fucking chair was unstable and actually I bought a ticket for free seating where they expecting you to sit. (Who the hell sitting while watches rock concert? It’s not like watching a fucking movie in a cinema!)

So, to sum up the story, I’m not satisfied and I’m definitely not going to that event but I just read today that Metallica will be performing in Singapore on August. So, Malaysia got LP for the second time but Singapore has a better band than us. Oh, well… I really wish I had much money to go to Singapore for the second time this year and enjoy Metallica concert. It is mid 2013 and money still not grows from a tree. *sigh*

*my dream concert. how i wish i have enough money to go to Tokyo again and go to this concert with my lil bro*

I still thought tomorrow is Saturday

Roses are red, 

Violets are not blue, 

I am no a poet, 

So I take this poem from tumblr instead and this is definitely not rhyme because I write it too long. 

And then Satan whispers “let’s do last minute works!”

I am the type of person who loves to plan everything. I do have plans for my study, but then plan without working on it just as same as driving a Maserati without any fuel. It’s really hard to be constantly diligent or stay focused every day. Too many distractions, I must say. Furthermore, I have been a procrastinator ever since my first degree. Some people like me, love to do last minutes work because when the pressure is more, then we tend to give full concentration. Weird but true. Also that’s the other way to produce good works. It is okay to do last minutes works as long as it is not involving others. For example, supervisor gives last minute tasks and asks to submit ASAP. That’s so not cool. I had experienced that with my ex supervisor and sometimes my current supervisor did that too. When I got that last minutes dateline, that’s the time I feel all the stress like a huge metal fall from the sky to my head. 

The morale of the story here, try to avoid as much as you can from being a procrastinator because once you go black you never go back. Eh? 

Eat. Play. Live.

There are so many things to do in life instead of depressing about when we going to get married because every week we get wedding invitation on fb and our friends keep feeding our news feed with their wedding and their kids pictures. Okay, it's probably me talking to myself in front of mirror while typing this entry. One way to get depression out of the window is by eating. I must admit that I eat too much this few days. (Shit! I had gain some weight again) but it was because I’m too depressed with my study and nothing to do with getting married or whatsoever. Yesterday I went to my favorite ikan bakar place in here, Penang. This is the best place so far (that I had discovered) to eat sotong goreng tepung and lala masak pedas. Those are my favorite dishes in this place. I’m not usually go out for dinner but last night was an exception. Besides this place, there are some other places in Penang (that I manage to discover since I stay here from last year) that serve best dishes such as nasi kandar (I still prefer Deen but I never eat nasi kandar beratur), char kuey tiaw (mainland is better than here), pasembur (Gurney Drive), and so much more (still a lot to discover).

Well, obviously I never talk about food in any entry and this is the first time I guess. Besides eating for pleasure, there is another thing that single person like me can do without any partner. Yup, play video games of course! I only have a Wii in my room but I don’t play it like 1-2 months already. The sad truth is that I have to focus with mastering a programming language instead of completing resident evil games. Anywho, to my single friends out there: don’t be depressed if you don’t have any company even though you will not get any younger. Live your life. And remember, if you can’t get married, you can always adopt a child. (That’s my another 4 years plan btw).

**budak poser.aku tak tau anak siapa ni.haha.

Hey gorgeous, who’s your daddy?

There is a man in a girl’s life before her husband. A man that’s always be there ever since she was born. My dad probably as same as Robin’s dad which is emotionally unavailable father but somehow I know that he really cares about me. I’m not a daddy’s little girl and my dad never spoils me with anything. Everything that I want in this life, I have to struggle to get it by myself. That’s why I’m so independent and strong. Well, about my dad, the only thing that he knows in this world is working and gives money to his family. He does not even know how to type messages on his phone. (Yup, that technically explains that he does not have a fb account too) Besides emotionally unavailable, he’s a hot tempered person too. I still remember when I was 19. One fine day, my sister and I were caught by him because we went back home at 3 o’clock in the morning. It was a creepy incident yet funny at the same time. How could I forget that night when my dad held a sickle in his hand while he stood in front of his taxi with front light open. It was exactly like a scene from the scary movie. Lol.

Maybe my dad is not the most spontaneous or the best dad in this world. But no matter emotionally unavailable he is, I’m still glad that he does not join the dark side and cut my hand in a fight. Selamat hari abah. And yes dad, I do love you too even not as much as I love mom. :D